Dear They Might Be Giants…


Secret Musicoscientifical Laboratory, Brooklyn, NY

Dear Johns,

  It has come to My attention that you are endeavoring to indoctrinate the children with your toe-tappingly catchy scientifical dogma.  This must stop.

  Not that I have anything against you or science in general, but the fact is, the more children who grow up with a fact-based worldview, the less money there is in My vacation fund.  Don’t get Me wrong, though.  Personally, I like all that sciencey stuff, though it’s never really been My forte’.  In fact, between you and Me, if it hadn’t been for My lab partner, Pele, at Deity School, I probably wouldn’t have passed the science requirement.

  Be that as it may, as much as I find Myself humming along to Science is Real, My Brother the Ape and Why Does the Sun Really Shine, it’s just not healthy, (for My bank account), for the children to be exposed to this sort of thing at such a tender age.  And, while My comfort is, of course, of paramount importance, you should also think of the children, themselves.  Do you think you’re going to help them get along in later life by putting them at odds with the majority of the American population?  Isn’t the national motto “Majority Rules – Minority Can Suck It”, or something like that?  Imagine how they’ll be picked on in school for knowing things.  They’ll be ostracized and… and… other things that end in -ized.

  Actually, looking at your list of albums, I see that this isn’t the first time you’ve tried this sort of thing.  You have an album called “Here Come the 123’s”, which probably has something to do with mathematics, and another called “Here Come the ABC’s”.  Both of which are probably crammed full of facts and fact-based ideas.  As if that weren’t appalling enough, you seem to have an album aimed at the children called “No!”.

  My dear sirs, in a civilized society, the children need only know how to determine 10% of their future earnings for tithing purposes and spell Vacation Bible School.  As for saying “No!” to their elders and betters… all I can say is:  “Why do you hate the children so?  Why do you hate the children?”

  Know that I shall make a point of attending any of your concerts which coincide with My vacation schedule and if you attempt to play any subversive songs I shall scream, “Play Ana Ing!!!1!” at the top of My lungs in order to disrupt your plan of indoctrination… and because I especially like that song.

Wish You Were Here,



6 responses to “Dear They Might Be Giants…

  1. Gawd is no fun at all. I bet if Glen Beck came up with an album, He would wholeheartedly endorse it!

    • That was me. Oh, well!

      • Good Gawd, woman. How many blogs do you have?

        As for Glenn Beck; he did put out an album. It’s got covers of things like Roy Orbison’s “Crying” and Patsy Cline’s “Crazy”, as well as what is probably the definitive version of “Pop Goes the Weasel”.

  2. I think Unrepentant Lorena called it right: Gawd is absolutely no fun at all. As for his pleas to think of the children, I’ll bet the Jesii wish he would have taken his own advice.

  3. This idea has always struck me as odd; the “science destroys religion.” If an understanding of reality destroys religion, logically, one is left with the conclusion that religion is not at all based in reality.

    Additionally, one would at least expect a the religion of deity which created the universe to, at the very least, embrace us getting to know the universe better. Doesn’t that mean they could use that knowledge to understand their deity better?

    • Thanks for commenting, Jared. Though I must say that the brand-loyalists feel your comment was simply typical of the atheistofascist mindset prevalent in America today… where Believers are a persecuted minority who will crush you with their overwhelming numbers if you get in their way.

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