Dear Glaswegian Gallery of Modern Art…

The only good bible is...Royal Exchange Square, Glasgow, G1 3AH, United Kingdom

Dear GoMA,

  I recently saw your “In Gawd’s Image” exhibit while passing through town.  I was heartily impressed with it.  In fact, I’m recommending it to all of Gawd, Inc.’s angel employees for the excellent LGBT perspective.  Maybe it will stop some of their grumbling about company policy.

  Mostly, though, I liked the interactive Bible in which I could write My thoughts.  Genius!  As you may know, I’ve never seen a penny in royalties from that unauthorized biography.  You can bet I had some choice things to say about it, which I feel I adequately expressed with a fat-tipped Sharpie.


  While the unauthorized biographer got the general idea across, (“Gawd is Love and anyone who doesn’t agree is welcome to have their brains dashed out and their women, children and livestock sold off for My vacation fund.”), I have always had two problems with it.  First, it doesn’t adequately express how much you humans sometimes got up My left nostril before you invented first-class airline seating and 5-star hotels.  But, mostly, (and I can’t stress this enough), I never got a cut of the profits!

  Sometimes I’m really, really tempted to send My lawyers; Fire, Brimstone & Wrath, LLC, back in time to sue the Holy Crap out of the writers.  The only problem is that all that time they’ve spent in Hell wouldn’t have happened.  Of course, I could still send them to Hell for an eternity of enhanced interrogation techniques after I sue them to death, but I just hate the waste… or, and I don’t know why I didn’t think of this before, I could make them remember all the torture interrogation they’ve had up to now and then start over.  I am, after all, omnipotent.  Yes.  Yes!  The more I think of it, the better it sounds.  I sometimes forget that I can do anything at all.  Hell, I’m so omnipotent that I could make a boulder that even I couldn’t move.  That is omnipotent.

  On the other hand, the crash after I use the omnipotence is a real bitch.  Headache, cotton-mouth and I’m just knackered for eons.  Also, I tend to get especially, er… “excited”.  That’s how the twins were conceived.  Don’t ask.

  Anyway, I just thought I’d give you the old Gawd Seal of Approval for your exhibit.  Keep up the good work and I’ll have My people get in touch about My cut of the entrance fees.

Wish You Were Here,



7 responses to “Dear Glaswegian Gallery of Modern Art…

  1. Fire, Brimstone & Wrath, LLC

    huh, I work there, specifically for Attorney Wrath. this explains that very weird plane ticket I had to get yesterday.

    • If you’re going to be travelling temporally, be sure to stay hydrated. I believe Douglas Adams recommended the Pan-Galactic Gargle-Blaster.

  2. Does the subject of a fictionalized biography really have any claim to the prophets of said fictionalized biography? And if the fictionalized biography is of a fictional being (that fictional being being Gawd), then there really is no reason that You should be complaining. It’s fiction. You’re fiction. ‘Nough said.

    And a Pan-Galactic Gargle-Blaster is, truly, a once-in-a-lifetime experience (mostly because (from what I have heard) it takes an entire lifetime to recover from one). That’s why I stick with Pinch Scotch, Patron Tequila, and Red, White and Blue or National Bohemian beer. Only quality for me.

  3. an ethical and competent neoconservative Republican

    I dare say, that’s a description of a mythical creature right there. 🙂

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