Dear Ba’alzebub…

real devil

666 Desolation St., Hell, W1C

Dear Bub,

  Well, it’s that time of year again.  A time of weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth.  In other words, it’s performance evaluation time.  Ha, ha!  That’s My little joke.  Don’t get too nervous, though.  You’ve been a valued employee for a very long time and I’ll try to keep this as informal as possible.

  So, before We get to the rough stuff, I want You to know that You’ve been getting acknowledgements from some Our* biggest customers.  Cardinal Jose Jimenez, (or something like that), had glowing things to say about the work You’re doing.  As You know, it never hurts Our* brand for Cardinals and other big-wigs to step forward and declare that You’re really, really, really real and super-extra scary to boot.  So, kudos to you there.

  Right.  Let’s just go through this form section by section and line by line, alright?  First, “willingness to assist co-workers”.  Check.  When I forgot My skis during the last Swiss vacation and didn’t want to use the crappy rentals, You hand delivered Mine in under an hour.  That’s what I call the Old Team Spirit.

  Now; “attitude when work needs to be repeated”.  Excellent, I’d say.  I’ve seen You torture a guy over and over and over again who coveted his neighbor’s ox, without a single complaint in front of the client.  I don’t think I’m exaggerating when I say that sort of attitude takes monumental commitment to the company.

  “Willingness to work extra hours”?  Eternity – check.

“Promptness at the start of the workday”?  As I’m sure Our friend Cardinal Wetback would say, You’re at it 24/7, so, in a way, the question is moot.  I’ll just count that as a check.

“Attendance record”?  Every day since Our little, ahem, “disagreement”.  So, check.

“Sick days”?  I know You’ve told Me numerous times, privately, that You’re sick and tired of torturing people, but that’s not exactly the same thing, so I’ll put down “zero”.

“Sees when something needs to be done and does it”?  Oh Me, yes.  Like that time You saw that Gov. Bobby Jindal’s friend needed a good, old-fashioned possesion and mucked right in.  If I held with raises or bonuses or paying, I’d have surely given You a bonus for that one.

“Makes practical, workable suggestions for improvements”?  For one thing, I’ve always been impressed with the “Out of Order” signs You put up on every restroom in Hell.  That was a very nice touch.

“Commitment to self-improvement”?  Well, I think We can safely skip this one.  Hell is about punishment, not self-improvement, after all.  Not even for management.

“Accepts constructive criticism positively”?  Hmmm.  Let’s mark that one “Needs Improvement”, but don’t get upset.  It’s merely constructive criticism.

“Shows pride in work”?  Check.  Though seeing Your face in a few more grilled-cheese sandwiches or tortillas would be helpful.  Don’t be afraid to put Your division of the Gawd, Inc. brand out there.

“Demonstrates good judgement in dealing with routine problems”?  Certainly.  The way You’ve dealt with all the Damned who can’t understand why they’ve ended up in Hell has been excellent.

“Has the ability to work under pressure”?  Do You?  I’ll say!  Pressure andheat, but that may have something to do with You being an indestructible archangel.

  The rest of the questions are to do with specific jobs for demons.  As management, You don’t need to answer those.  So, relatively painless, right?  I’ll let You get back to work, torturing everyone who’s ever done anything I didn’t/don’t/won’t approve of for all eternity.  And remember, My door is always open to You.**

Wish You Were Here,



**Not really.


6 responses to “Dear Ba’alzebub…

  1. Is there any chance Gawd will second Ba’lzebub to me for awhile? My company is a bit short on good management right now.

    • Well, Chappy, you know Gawd. His evaluation form would probably be marked “Needs Improvement” under “Sharing”.
      Ba’alzebub, I’m sure, would relish a job without so much shrieking and fewer ruptured organs. So you might be able to head-hunt Him. Just keep it on the QT.

  2. If Gawd doesn’t pay any of His employees (sorry, that would be slaves), why bother with performance evaluations? A 5% raise of nothing is no better than a 4% raise of nothing, right?

    Then again, Ba’alzebub is management, so I guess there might be some performance incentives — not sure what he’d want, though.

  3. Hey, I must wonder why God forgot to thank him for getting Obama elected.

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