Dear C Street Gang…

leper colony133 C Street, SE  Washington, DC  20003

Dear Fellows,

  Read this quickly, in private, and once you have, I need you to do two things for Me.  First, destroy this postcard.  It must not fall into the hands of the filthy MSM.  Second, and just as importantly, I need you to pack all of My things in plain brown boxes and address them to “John Smith” C/O Baggage Claim, Grand Central Station, NY, NY 10017.

  I can’t afford to pick My things up, Myself, and I sure as Hell can’t be seen with any of you.  You and your house are, to coin a phrase, just like someplace to stash a bunch of people with the same horrendous, incurable, communicable disease.  A “Colony of Lepers” so to speak.

  I don’t want you to think I’m mad at you or that I don’t have a good time at your little whorehouse Spiritual Bondage Bonding Retreat, but the fact is, you’re radioactive.  believe Me, you guys are a blast.  Especially at 3:00 AM on a Saturday morning when your wives are in Joplin or Sweetwater or Kermit or wherever it is you represent.  And your belief system is rock solid, as far as I’m concerned.  “Wealthiness and power… -iness are next to Gawdliness” is an idea I can get behind, 100%.  That “Totalitarian Christianity” thing you’ve got going?  Brilliant.  You’re absolutely right when you say that Hitler, Pol Pot and Osama bin Laden know how to wield power.  Where do you think they learned it?

  The problem is, you’ve become something of a PR liability and My vacation fund can’t take any more of those.  So don’t think of this as “Goodbye”, but more like “Are you speaking to Me, sir?  Why, I’ve never seen you before in My life.  I tell you, I do not know you, sir.”  Nothing personal, you understand.

  I need to keep this short, so you can start packing My things immediately.  I’ll miss stopping by the old place when I’m in town, for a clean shirt or a dirty, dirty quicky or a drink with like-minded individuals.  Really, I don’t know why people seem to hate congressmen so much.  You’re alright by Me.

  Of course, you can never, never tell anyone I said that.  So burn this postcard, pack My things and know that I’ll think of you fondly the next time I’m on a “fact-finding” tour of a “Spiritual Bonding” house in the Bangkok red-light district.

Wish You Were Here,

~Gawd

Advertisements

6 responses to “Dear C Street Gang…

  1. So is Gawd complaining that they are acting like old testament patriarchs? You know, live the holy life while tupping the sheep, swiving the wife, and consorting with consorts and concubines? Strikes me that Gawd is being rather hypocritical here. After all, if they engage in (old testament) biblical behaviour, doesn’t Gawd have to forgive them, right?

    And as for a PR liability? Isn’t the entire bible a PR nightmare? Getting stoned, stoning people, alcohol, incest, swiving, you name it.

    • (((Billy))),
      As you well know, Gawd is all about tupping and swiving and consorting, so there’s no hypocricy involved. It’s just that, unlike congressmen, He sometimes has to make concessions to the majority. Forgivness don’t enter into it. He says there’s nothing to forgive. Public opinion is another thing, though. He’s got to appear to distance Himself from them for the Greater Good – i.e. the vacation fund.

      As for the bible, you know it’s an unauthorized biography that He’s tried to, (aside from royalties), keep at arm’s length for centuries.

  2. The Congressional Recess is coming. Don’t forget to sign up for the Fellowship’s Vacation Bible School.

    See:

    http://notionscapital.wordpress.com/2009/07/22/c-street-vacation-bible-school//

  3. Damn, Mike! VBS was never that exciting when I went.

  4. By the way, Crooks and Liars linked to this on the Blog Roundup under the Holy Crap weekly section. Kudos, Postie.

    • Yes. I saw a spike in visits that could only be explained by Divine Intervention. Not Pharyngula-type divine intervention, but most assuredly a higher power of some kind.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s