Somewhere off the Coast of Wales
Faith & Begorrah! I could kiss the Blarney Stone, (If it weren’t hip-deep in tourist lip-germs). You’ve passed a Blasphemy Law. Fantastic! I approve wholeheartedly. Of course, I won’t be vacationing there anymore, but that’s just the way the shillelagh crumbles. To be honest, I haven’t truly enjoyed Myself there since the Irish Hellfire Club closed down. Bacchus and Venus and I used to be members. Oh, what a hoot! You haven’t lived ’till you’ve seen Bacchus debagged and raddished for being too drunk to remember the password.
In any case, your fun days may be over, but your days of increasing the balance in My vacation fund are just beginning. Did I mention that this blasphemy thing of yours is brilliant? Well, it is. Anything that causes outrage among a substantial number of brand-loyalists is now not only illegal, but punishable with a fine! Beautiful! Obviously, these fines will go directly toward My vacation fund, (Where else would they go, eh?), and thus make the world a better place by affording Me constant access to first-class travel and rare & wonderful scotches. it’s really something of a dream come true for Me.
Don’t let My euphoria fool you, though. You’re going to have to work at this. All of those things you used to shrug off or not really notice or, worse, compromise on are now potential money-makers for Me. You must cry out against any and everything that causes outrage. In fact, you’ve got to dredge up outrage where none existed before. If someone bumps their head and yells, “Shite,” you must express your outrage. If someone takes a sip of Guinness and says, “Oh, Gawd, that’s good stuff,” you must cry out against the blasphemy of it. For that matter, if someone has a sip of Guinness at all, you must denounce them for the outrageously blasphemous sinner that they are. And don’t let the three Muslims or seven Hindus in the country get away with siphoning off any of My cash. If they try to have you fined for something as innocent as saying that Allah is a hack and His prophet, Mo, is a pedo, you must immediately vocalize your outrage at the blasphemy of suggesting that it’s not true.
As Sean Connery says, (He’s one of yours, right?), “If they pull a knife, you pull a gun. If they put one of yours in the hospital, you put one of theirs in the morgue,” and, I’m sure he would have added, “If they fine you for blasphemy, you declare their entire religion blasphemous.” That’s how I expect My brand-loyalists to handle this, (if I do say so Myself), “Gawd-send” of a blasphemy law.
Now get out there and be outraged. The travel industry is counting on you.
Wish You Were Here,