Cardboard Box, Down by the Railroad Tracks
I saw on the news the other day that you outed Me as your campaign advisor. I thought we had decided not to make that public. In fact, as I recall, the deal was I would give you some much-needed advice on the conditions that you never tell a soul and that you fix My clogged crapper. You know that, being a deity, I am one of the universe’s leading sources of excrement and thus I need a crapper of truly Biblical proportions. But, and correct Me if I’m wrong here, you haven’t kept your end of the bargain. Not only couldn’t you keep your trap shut, it turns out you haven’t worked in years.
On top of being a lying liar who lied to Me, you misquoted Me! When you asked if you should run for office I was not “like, ‘No.'” I was not “like” anything. What I said, and you know you remember this, was, “Ha, ha! Good one, Sam… wait. You’re not kidding? have you been disregarding the ‘Do Not Ingest’ warnings on those little packages that came with your new shoes? Not only No, but Hell No. Fuck No! The Younger Bush has already damaged My vacation fund enough by giving My brand-loyalists a piss-poor reputation and causing many of them to think for the first time in their lives. Every minute you spend in the public eye costs Me money!”
What I suggested would be a good idea, and don’t pretend it slipped your mind, was for you to move to an uncharted island in the Pacific, sew your mouth shut and spend the rest of your days trying to pet sea urchins.
So, look. Forget about fixing My crapper. It’s probably best I get a licensed plumber, anyway. Just call a (Final!) press conference and read the following, verbatim.
Ladies and gentlemen of the press,
A few days ago I announced that Gawd advised me not to run for public office. I would like to clear up that statement, if I may. While it is true that He does not want me to run for office, or, in fact, show my face in public, Gawd is not and has never been a member of my personal staff. To be precise, Gawd finds me to be an annoying little tit whom He would gladly smite if He were not so busy with His gruelling vacation schedule. Furthermore, Gawd has made it perfectly clear to me that when Theocracy finally comes to America, as you’ve all been clamoring for, I will still not be able to get a job as dog catcher. Gawd is tired, tired, tired of seeing my blank-eyed stare on the TV every time He flips around for soft-core porn in His hotel room. So, once I leave public life to “spend more time with my family”, I will devote most of my time to taking three-hour cruises on the SS Minnow. Thank you and goodbye.
If you can accomplish that, I won’t give the plumbers’ union your home address.
Wish You Were Here,