(Postcard delivered by Yunshui of “Right To Think“.)
C/O Ritz-Carlton Hotel, 2 West St., New York, NY 10004
Well, thank You so very freaking much. You didn’t waste any time, did You? Asherah and I pop off for a round of drinks at the Groucho, and barely a couple of millennia later, all our brand-loyalists have been converted – into corpses. You’ve got a real sadistic streak, You know that? We were doing fine in Canaan, just minding our own business, the odd child sacrifice here and there, a bit of temple prostitution (man, that was such a good idea – every ugly bloke for hundreds of miles suddenly wanted to get on the Baal/Asherah bandwagon when we thought that one up), all in a nice simple agricultural milieu; and then suddenly there’s a shitload of Hebrews with pointy things wandering in out of the desert. And You piled in with them! Knocking down walls, stopping the sun, fiery rain – the “hands-off” approach really wasn’t an option for You, was it, Gawd? Now I’m as keen to smite the unbeliever as the next deity, but there’s such a thing as subtlety, You know? A minor outbreak of the pox, a touch of famine, a little spot of inter-doctrinal strife – something with a touch of class, that would have been appropriate, not a full-on invasion with a side-order of genocide, backed by divine firepower. After Ra told me about the shit You pulled in Egypt (ten plagues!? Somebody’s overcompensating…) a couple of generations back I suppose I should have expected a bit of a spat, but did You have to side quite so openly with Your team?
I guess it’s My own fault in many ways. I just assumed that You were planning to play by the rules – silly of me, after all the crap that Abraham kid put up with. Divine intervention was supposed to be a prickling of the conscience, something that came from inside the humans, but You actually went down there and talked to the audience! It was a pretty revolutionary idea, I grant You, and maybe as a one-off it would have looked rather cool, but You just couldn’t let the idea go, could You? Abraham, Jacob, Joseph, Moses – I hear You even mooned that poor Moses bloke! Asherah and I thought that was a great bit of slapstick, but You can’t pull that sort of schtick so often and expect to be taken seriously. Look, I know we’ve never been best mates, but let me give You a bit of advice, as one deity to another – people are starting to snigger behind Your back, and worse. I’m not mentioning any names, but there are certain pantheons out there who think You’re throwing your weight about a bit too much, and they’re getting antsy – does the word “jihad” mean anything to You? I’m just saying…
Anyway, the real reason I’m writing is because I’m really ticked off about that whole business with Your poster-boy Elijah and my Brand-Loyalists. You knew I was in the bathroom at that point – I’m never eating paella again – and You completely took advantage. I especially take issue with the level of overkill. You could have done the business nice and quietly, just a little flicker of flame that might have been of divine origin but could just as easily have been a clever sleight of hand on Elijah’s part, but no, You insisted on showing me up in the worst way possible. It was crass, and uncalled for, and I demand a rematch! I’ve just about had it with Your bullying; and when we next meet I’m inclined to take a leaf out of Your book and just start smiting left, right and centre, hang the consequences. Before that, though, I’m taking this one opportunity to extend an olive branch – all I’m asking is that You rein in the direct intervention, and behave like a reasonable, grown-up deity. Is that really so much? Everyone else here seems able to control their urge to dive in and get their hands dirty – if You could just stick to vague prophecies delivered by obvious nutters like the rest of us, we’d all be able to get along much better.
Give my best to the Jesii, hope they’re well. Tell Hippy Jesus to stand up to his brother once in a while!
PS. I bumped into Quetzalcoatl just before sending this, and he (she? it? I’m never really sure) tells me You’ve decided to take a bit of a vacation. I think that’s a very wise decision, it will help everyone to settle down a bit. I hope You’ll give some thought to what I’ve said – let’s talk when You get back. Enjoy your trip! B.