Dear Jesii…

Hideous Tie 2C/O Hotel Preston, 733 Briley Pkwy, Nashville, TN 37217

Hideous Tie

Dear Boys,

  Thanks for the Father’s Day ties.  They’re very… unique.  I shall put them in a very safe place, you can count on that.

  Thanks, also, for the book.  I liked it, even if some people say it was kind of a rip-off of those Harry Potter stories.  But, and I don’t mean to shoot down your thoughtful gift, do You think it’s a good idea to contribute to Poseidon’s big PR blitz?

  I’m not saying the book wasn’t enjoyable.  That’s just the problem, actually.  Poseidon has always been a sneaky son of a titan.  Like when We were in school.  He used to pull dirty, underhand tricks like telling Me there was free beer in someones dorm-room and when I went through the door a bucket of water would fall on My head.  You see what I mean?  Not only sneaky, but sharp as a razor.  Eventually, I saw through His tricks and that’s why I’m leery of this series of PR pamphlets He’s published.  Sure, they seem enjoyable, (if a bit derivative). Sure, they’re page-turners that kept Me busy the whole flight from Nova Scotia to Sydney, but where’s the bucket, eh?  That’s what I want to know.

  Does He expect to siphon away some of My vacation fund with these books?  Is He trying to woo away My brand-loyalists with tales of adventure and deities who actually talk to them?  Is He subtly appealing to My most fundagelical brand-loyalists by showing how much cooler His monsters are than plain old Democrats and atheists?

  Well, two can play at that game.  Right.  Boys, drop what you’re doing and find us a ghost-writer who can spin a yarn about your adolescence being chased by evil atheists and heathens with… er… with… bulls heads!  Yes!  Atheist heathens with the heads of bulls.  And your days at Young Deity School learning to turn water into wine with your best friend… Jagrid.  Jagrid the… friendly giant!  Right.  Ha!  This isn’t so hard.  I’ll leave the rest up to the ghost-writer, but that ought to be enough to give him the idea.  Tell him to give it the usual twists.  Young Mary Magdeline as the proto love-interest and throw in Your Uncle Beelzebub as the bad guy.  He won’t mind.

  So, look; get on that right away.  We can’t let Poseidon get the jump on Us.

  Oh, and thanks again for the… the… whatchacallits… the ties.  Great gift.  I’m really touched.

Wish You Were Here,

~Gawd

P.S. – When are one or both of You going to get married?  Tick, tick, tick, boys.  I’m starting to get worried about You.

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4 responses to “Dear Jesii…

  1. I’m really touched.

    Freudian slip?

  2. Just curious (and I think I already know the answer on this one) but how much are you planning on paying the ghost writer? Or is this another one of those, “They should be thrilled just to do slave labour for Gawd,” type thing? Here’s a clue, Gawd — Poseidon can get good press by this joker because he allows Riordan to be recompensed for his time, effort, and (a little bit of) creativity. Had you actually paid those Bronze Age shepherds, maybe your book wouldnt have been so hard to read, contradictory and, well, just plain boring.

    I know you’ve been on vacation for damn near eternity, but don’t be such a cheapskate, Gawd. Gonna have to talk to some friends about you.

    • He hasn’t consulted me about it, but I wouldn’t hold out any great hope, (((Billy))). You know what they say about old deities and new tricks.

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