I find Myself conflicted. I can’t decide whether to be wrathful or not, or, if so, how wrathful to be. When I started getting flooded with postcards asking for reservation confirmations I was, at first, confused – but then just about as wrathful as I was that time I sent Jeremiah around with a goblet full of wrath for all the nations I didn’t like to take a big ol’ gulp from. “Jeremiah”, I said, “Take from My hand this cup filled with the wine of My wrath unto all the nations who piss Me off – and make the bitches drink.”
You, sirs, came this close to getting a Super Big Gulp cup full to the brim with Divine Whoop-Ass.
But then I thought, “Hey… these frickin’ guys must be making pots of cash off this deal.” At which point you again came very, very close to “Having a drink with Jeremiah”. But My Divine Nature reasserted itself just in the nick of time and it occurred to Me that your operation could very well be a force for good.
By “force for good”, of course, I mean “few extra spondoolicks in My pocket”.
So, unless you want to have that “drink with Jeremiah” in the form of My solicitors, (Fire, Brimstome & Wrath, LLC), with the biggest, fattest lawsuit you could possibly imagine, I propose a little business deal. Gawd, Inc. hereby tenders an offer for 51% of your company stock in exchange for one Widow’s Mite and your continued habitation of this plane of existence.
All in favor? Aye.
All opposed? … Anyone? I thought not. The ayes have it.
Now, as your new majority shareholder, I think a few minor changes are in order. First, your disclaimer needs to tone down on the “we in no way can guarantee entry into Heaven” stuff. Obviously, it needs to be in there – I’m no liar* and I’m sure as Hell not letting anyone onto My property – but it doesn’t have to be so obtrusive. Let the poor SOB’s dream a little.
Second, I don’t know where you got your price points from, but they’re all out of whack. $12.95 for the basic package? Get real. I don’t get out of bed for less than $1,000… and then I may not even bother to put on a bathrobe. What you need to do is make it 12 Easy Payments of $95. That way, the customer is certain they’re getting something valuable and I’m certain I can pay My bar tab.
Also, your website needs testimonials. The only people who have ever been to Heaven are Me, My boys and assorted Cherubim and Seraphim who do the gardening… oh, and the ex-wife. (But forget about her; there’s no telling what kind of unhelpful crap that bitch would say.) So start with this one – (ahem):
“The rooms are spacious and well-appointed, the service is first-rate and it’s convenient to the shops in the Orion Nebula. I give it five halos!”
~An influential and well-known deity
It’s been good doing business with you and remember, as the new effective head of Reserve &tc., My door is always open.**
Wish You Were Here,
*For a given definition of “liar”.
**Presuming you don’t try to enter it or speak to Me through it.