Somewhere on the Front Lines of the War On America
Dear Dastardly Deviants,
For eons I have been getting postcards begging Me to smite homosexuals. For nearly 2,000 years I’ve been getting postcards begging Me to smite Pagans. And for about 9 years I’ve been getting postcards begging Me to smite penguins. But now, what with Newt Gingrich alerting Me and My brand-loyalists to the imminent takeover of the US by Pagans and Focus on the Family making everyone aware of the dire threat that gay penguins pose, My mailbox has been flooded with smiting requests for you.
I know you’re wondering, “What the hell did I do to deserve that? WACK! WACK!” And the answer is, of course, “nothing”. You’re just sort of in the wrong place at the wrong time. Every once in a while I take ten minutes from My vacation and toss My brand-loyalists a bone in the form of an ambiguous smiting. Most of the time, My boys, who are responsible for the daily operation of Gawd, Inc. these days, will do a quick food-related sighting like the recent Marmite Miracle, (though I have My suspicions that They subcontracted it out to Frank Zappa). Awesome miraculous feats of that type are usually enough to keep everyone tithing at acceptable levels.
However, with this global recession, tithing has been tailing off alarmingly. So I’m going to have to whip up a major, super-duper, miraculous smiting of what some might call Biblical Proportions… while waiting for My flight out of Frankfurt International Airport.
Now, before you start crying “Fowl,” and whining that you never hurt anyone, or pointing out that in any one time and place there are never more than a third of you who are gay, or that only about a dozen of you would characterize yourselves as truly Pagan; let Me just make a couple of points.
First, it’s classic Darwinianism, (which I know you all believe in – don’t deny it). I’m an all-powerful deity and thus much stronger, (or “fitter”), than you. Therefore, I must survive. It’s the law. Survival, for Me, means constant, generous tithing from My brand-loyalists. To make that happen, there must be occasional miraculous smitings. So, like it or not, I’m going to have to miracle your asses something awful.
Second, the fact that a flightless, polar waterfowl even exists causes My Chosen People, the Atheists, to chuckle behind My back. If you look at My history with Chosen Peoples you’ll see that I’m never very comfortable with them being happy or amused for long. So, as I’m sure you’ll agree, you have to go. But, if it makes you feel any better, the platypus is next.
However, never let it be said that Gawd doesn’t have a twisted sense of humor. In order to fill My brand-loyalist miracle expectations I’m going to smite you with – (and I think you’ll get a kick out of the elegant irony) – Global Warming. Yeah. I’m going to melt the glaciers and flood your islands. You won’t know whether you’re coming or going. But neither will My brand-loyalists. They generally don’t believe in all this “so-called ‘global warming’ stuff”. So they won’t know whether to keep begging for your smiting or to beg for Global Warming to be a hoax.
In the end, it’s all the same for Me. Miracle delivered. Collection plates full.
Wish You Were Here,