Dear New Bethel Church…

In the Name of the Gun

4998 Valley Station Rd., Louisville, KY  40272

Dear Pastor Ken “Quickdraw” Pagano,

  I received the kind invitation to speak at your “Open Carry Celebration” on June 27 and I am touched.  It reminds Me of how the boys used to play Cowboys & Pharisees.  They’d come tearing into the back yard on Their dinosaurs, guns strapped to Their hips, a whoopin’ and a whompin’ everything in sight.  They’d make the angels play the Pharisees, of course, since no kid ever wants to be the bad guys.  Like you, I’m a firm believer in responsible gun ownership, so I always made Them ressurect everyone when They were through playing.  It’s important to instill personal responsibility early on.

  I only wish We were going to be free that weekend, but, unfortunately, We’ll be vacationing at the Wild West park in Boskovice, Czech Republic and the tickets are non-refundable.

  I do have some suggestions for you, though.  Did you like the picture on this postcard?  It’s from the boys’ favorite comic and I thought you might like to hand out copies to all the kids who show up.  It’s a good way of teaching them early that anyone they disagree with is a rabid monster which should be “put down” for the good of all mankind.  It will also help to get across your point that “Not all branches of Christianity are pacifistic,”.

  Perhaps, in lieu of Me speaking at your Open Carry Celebration, you could get Cheryl Sullenger from Operation Rescue.  If there’s anyone who knows about gun safety, it’s Cheryl.  She’s so safe that she has other people pull the trigger for her.  Maybe, just to be fair and balanced, you could get a talking head or two from Fox News.  I understand they have a similar policy.

  Again, I’m sorry I nor My boys will be able to make it to the celebration.  It’s been too long since I’ve held a long, hard bit of metal full of explosives for hurling copper-jacketed lead slugs at supersonic velocities in My hand.  I’ve always said that the Beatles were right.  Happiness is a warm gun.

  Well, maybe the Czechs are brand-loyalists and I can wear a six-gun in the park.

Wish You Were Here,



10 responses to “Dear New Bethel Church…

  1. It’s too bad Gawd can’t make it. I was going to get myself a toy gun, so I could go and personally see the chariots of fire with the legions of angels.

    Oh, well. Maybe next year.

    • I, too, had a momentary fantasy of dressing up in my best Spaghetti Western style and moseyin’ on down there, spouting lines from “The Outlaw Josey Wales”.

  2. Attending a church picnic (can anyone say 5 varieties of potato salad, 7 assorted jello dishes, cold fried chicken and warm lemonade?) populated by gun-toting strangers doesn’t appeal to me. I’ll surrender my spot in the grass to someone else.

  3. Given Chappie’s description of church picnics (and I’ve been to a few (and her estimates of the number of jello dishes is way too low)), and given that having a weapon available increases the likelihood of a suicidal thought being acted upon, I would expect, once the food hits the table, the possibility of suicides. Which is, of course, a sin (I would presume because, as the pirates put it, “Dead Men Tithe no More.”). Jello, guns, and evangelical Jesusism. Hell, I’d consider eating a bullet in that mileiu.

    • I’m sort of partial to lemonade with a shot or three of vodka. To each his or her own.

      • Gawd knows I like homemade lemonade and booze, but I’m not a fan of mixing them.

        And it’s true that dead men tithe no more… but they used to. I understand people used to leave all their worldly possesions to The Church. I’d bet Gawd gets wistful from time to time for the good old days.

        • No. The scotch and lemonade would not mix. You remove the lemonade first, rinse the glass, then add the scotch. Get it straight.

          And yeah, I forgot about the donations to churches in return for eternal prayers (how many of those are still going?). They say as you get older, the memory is the second thing to go.

  4. I thought you might be a bit annoyed on lese-majestie grounds.
    Surely they should trust you to do any essential smiting?

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