Somewhere in England, Belgium, Holland and/or Spain
I recently ordered your Inflatable Nightclub as well as your Inflatable Octopus, (as an August birthday gift for My friend Cthulhu). However, when the crates arrived I was surprised and upset to find that you had sent two, (2), Inflatable Churches, instead.
I had heard about these monstrosities from My favorite Chaplain, but assumed she was pulling My leg. Bouncy nightclubs and bouncy man-eating octopusses are one thing. A nightclub with a soft and yielding floor which can be hosed down in no time flat is a boon to society and a present comfort in My vacation/semi-retirement and an inflatable octopus is… well, whatever use Cthulhu puts that to is up to Him. But inflatable churches?!
How would you feel if someone replaced your cashpoints with bouncy castles? How, exactly, would you get cash from them? They’d be full of hot air. That’s how I feel about these inflatable churches of yours.
You don’t seem to understand that My vacation fund is not a game. It is very, very serious. Perhaps the most serious thing in the universe. If you make a joke out of My cash machines churches, or worse, cause My brand-loyalists to see them as something fun or amusing, you will cause a steady deflation in My vacation fund. Brand-loyalists must fear the consequences of not tithing. Sure, I could start charging admission and make up the shortfall that way, but it would put Me in direct competition with Disney and you’re nuts if you think I’m going to go up against them. I’ve seen Mickey Mouse shiv a guy. ‘Nuff said.
So I’m sending these things back, COD, and not only do I expect you to honor My original order but to discontinue the manufacture, sale or rental of your Inflatable Churches. If I have not received a reply in the affirmative within one week I will be forced to refer this issue to My lawyers – Fire, Brimstone & Wrath, LLC. Also, I don’t want you to take this as a threat*, but just imagine what a carelessly-aimed lightning bolt could do to your stock of plastic, flammable merchandise.
Wish You Were here,
* I just said that because My lawyers insisted. If I were you, I would take it as a threat. Just sayin’.