42 All Over St., Everywhere
One of My boys’ militia generals sends out a little newsletter, mimeographed and sent to a PO box They keep for this sort of thing, which I like to glance through to see if My name is mentioned. I was saddened, recently, to read that an old friend of mine has died after a protracted illness.
Bernie The opinion, Gawd Loves You and Listens to Your Prayers, has finally passed on, the opinionary column opines. It goes on to say that he “keel[ed] over like an artery-clogged priest on Altar Boys Shower Night, ultimately expiring in an indecorous heap on the slippery-when-wet tile floor.”
But, friends & family, (and by that, I mean “brand-loyalists”), the best thing you can do for him, (and by “him” I mean “My vacation fund”), is to hook him up to life support, (and by “hook him up to life support” I mean, “simply adopt a pig-headed unwillingness to face the facts”). Stinking to High Heaven, or just brain-dead, putting him on life support is the best way to show you care.
When someone tells you that the opinion is dead, your job, like any brand-loyalist medical professional, is to raise your voice until it drowns theirs out. Immediately inject 40 cc’s of Change The Subject. Admire the opinion’s beautiful plumage. Insist that the opinion is merely resting. That it is simply shagged out from strenuously being proved correct. Jostle his bed and point out that he just moved. If they say that you moved him – deny, deny, deny. When they lift him to stand on his own two feet and he collapses into the aforementioned indecorous heap, accuse them of stunning him. Suggest that he is not bleeding demised, but pining for the fjords.
If confronted by, say, one of My Chosen Atheists and told that the opinion has passed on, is no more, ceased to be, expired and gone to meet the caveman who miraculously found his lost cavekeys with My help, stiff, bereft of life, resting in peace, run down the curtain and joined the choir invisible or that he is simply an ex-opinion you may, as a very last resort, agree and introduce them to his son – the opinion, Gawd Works in Mysterious Ways and You’re Not Bright Enough to Figure Him Out.
Wish You Were Here,