Dear Friends of the Deceased…

Mourners42 All Over St., Everywhere

Dear Mourners,

  One of My boys’ militia generals sends out a little newsletter, mimeographed and sent to a PO box They keep for this sort of thing, which I like to glance through to see if My name is mentioned.  I was saddened, recently, to read that an old friend of mine has died after a protracted illness.

  Bernie The opinion, Gawd Loves You and Listens to Your Prayers, has finally passed on, the opinionary column opines.  It goes on to say that he “keel[ed] over like an artery-clogged priest on Altar Boys Shower Night, ultimately expiring in an indecorous heap on the slippery-when-wet tile floor.”

  But, friends & family, (and by that, I mean “brand-loyalists”), the best thing you can do for him, (and by “him” I mean “My vacation fund”), is to hook him up to life support, (and by “hook him up to life support” I mean, “simply adopt a pig-headed unwillingness to face the facts”).  Stinking to High Heaven, or just brain-dead, putting him on life support is the best way to show you care.

  When someone tells you that the opinion is dead, your job, like any brand-loyalist medical professional, is to raise your voice until it drowns theirs out.  Immediately inject 40 cc’s of Change The Subject.  Admire the opinion’s beautiful plumage.  Insist that the opinion is merely resting.  That it is simply shagged out from strenuously being proved correct.  Jostle his bed and point out that he just moved.  If they say that you moved him – deny, deny, deny.  When they lift him to stand on his own two feet and he collapses into the aforementioned indecorous heap, accuse them of stunning him.  Suggest that he is not bleeding demised, but pining for the fjords.

  If confronted by, say, one of My Chosen Atheists and told that the opinion has passed on, is no more, ceased to be, expired and gone to meet the caveman who miraculously found his lost cavekeys with My help, stiff, bereft of life, resting in peace, run down the curtain and joined the choir invisible or that he is simply an ex-opinion you may, as a very last resort, agree and introduce them to his son – the opinion, Gawd Works in Mysterious Ways and You’re Not Bright Enough to Figure Him Out.

Wish You Were Here,



8 responses to “Dear Friends of the Deceased…

  1. I suppose said brand loyalists could also throw in a little fire & brimstone. It isn’t going to help with an atheist, but at least it may be a good distraction from the fact that the opinion is plainly dead.

    • Lorena,

      You know how these things go. Nothing’s truly dead until you pull the plug – and you can bet they’ll never pull it on this opinion.

  2. So prayer works as an alternative to modern medicine except when the person is brain dead in which case we are to use modern medicine to keep him alive for as long as possible while (in both cases) contributing to Gawd’s vacation fund? Sounds strange, especially since, with Gawd on vacation, He doesn’t answer prayers anyway.

    I hope Gawd is enjoying the port-aged scotch. And where’s my kickback?

    • Kickback?! As I recall, Gawd recently offered you a position in the union-busting line and you turned Him down. I kind of doubt He’s going to be well-disposed to giving you kickbacks.

      On the other hand, was that you who sent the scotch? If so, you might expect a little something extra in your Jesii Birthday Stocking this year.

      • I don’t bust unions. I helped organize a union at my workplace and even wrote (almost) the entire contract. Including the little items that management missed (and wishes they didn’t). I would, as I said before, be happy to negotiate with Gawd on behalf of his downtrodden slaves, but I do not bust unions.

        Yes, I sent the port-aged scotch. Nice stuff, ain’t it, Gawd?

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