Dear United States Military…

ArmyPentagon, Washington, DC 20001

Dear Brand-Warriors,

  You know I’m one of you, right?  Well, maybe not “one of you”, so much as I support you in your never-ending struggle against unhygeinic foreign deities who shall remain nameless, (<cough, cough> Allah <cough, cough>).  Obviously, I’m not going to actually lead you in battle.  That’s not what leaders do these days.  Just ask My old hunting buddy, Dick Cheney.  No, leaders need to be far enough away from the action to see the Big Picture.  Besides which, I’m on leave at the moment.

  Although I’m not going to give you any tangible help or, in fact, disrupt My schedule in any way, I feel that your use of My unauthorized biography in your intelligence reports is helpful in and of itself.  Like the famed 101st Fighting Keyboardists, just the fact that I exist should get you through any firefights, unexpected IED’s or IG inspections you might have to deal with.

  It really takes me back to My days out on the sharp end.  Back when the Gawdless hordes of [fill in the blank]ites were just over the hill, hating Me and My former Chosen People for our freedom.  When any given Sunday might entail liberating a few thousand [fill in the blank]ite wives and daughters for Democracy.  When anything with a penis that wasn’t a brand-loyalist or owned by a brand-loyalist could look forward to having their head dashed against a convenient rock and anything penisless could look forward to a good, old-fashioned Moabing.  Those were the days.

  Especially bivouacking with the fellas and counting up the loot and virgins from that last [fill in the blank]ite city that pissed Me off.  Do you guys still get paid in loot and virgins?  I know economics has changed a bit since I last saw the elephant, so to speak, but surely My brand-loyalist generals on the JCS are at least tacitly approving “Gawdly bonuses”.  If not, I’d find out where the Hell it’s all going, if I were you.

  Anyway, I just wanted to let you know I’m with you… well, not “with you” with you, but with you, nonetheless.  Just remember, like My old buddy King James used to say, “The Lord is a man of war.”*

Wish You Were Here & Hooah!

~Gawd

*  Where by “man” I mean “All-Powerful-Supreme-Deity-of-Everything” and by “war” I mean “vacation”.

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4 responses to “Dear United States Military…

  1. So when I was in the Army, even though I was an agnostic universal deist at the time, you were with me? Then why the hell didn’t you design the knee just a little better? I mean, come on, Gawd, you’re supposed to be all-powerful and all, you had to see my knee injury in Gawd’s Army coming, right?

    And the Army tends to frown on soldiers taking payment in virgins and other loot. That’s the difference between a professional army and a mob.

    • (((Billy))),

      Gawd wants me to refer you to that story about Gideon and his troops. Evidently the modern equivalent of “lapping water like a dog” is joint injury.
      As for the payment in virgins and loot, I think that’s the devious old bastard’s attempt at a subtle hint. it’s not like He didn’t already know the answer. I told Him when I loaned him the picture postcard. One of those fresh-faced youths up there is your friendly, atheist Postman.

      • I never lap. Well, (((Wife))) and I someti . . . . Never mind. I assume you are the soldier hamming it up in the foreground?

        • I like to keep a little mystery around here – especially for when atheism is finally declared a capital crime and we’re on the lam from the church police.
          However, I will say that the hammy kid in front was not me, but my battle buddy.

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