Dear Ernst [From Hell]…

letter-from-hell13 Blasphemy Way, 5th Circle, Hell 01461

Dear Ernst,

  I mistakenly received a letter from you last month and thought I should send it back.  I know it’s been weeks since it landed in My mailbox and I know how much correspondence of any kind means to you, er… “unlucky” denizens of Hell, but as you may know, I’m on vacation.  Frankly, you’re lucky I can be bothered at all.

  Although the letter wasn’t addressed to Me, I opened it anyway, as it’s always informative to read a first-hand account of the weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth, (not to mention the enhanced interrogation techniques), in Hell.  It’s funny; you’d think, since it’s a wholly-owned subsidiary of Gawd, Inc., I’d get down there once in a while to see how things are going, but it always ends up bumming Me out.  Go figure.

  Anywho, I see that you have some questions about who actually runs Hell; Satan, Hades, Nixon or any one of a half dozen others.  I can clear that up for you right now.  Hell is Mine.  I came up with the idea.  I raised the capital to finance it.  I turned the first spadeful of sulphur.  I hired the “customer service representatives”.  I laid the rules for who ends up there and who doesn’t.  I cut the ribbon at the opening ceremony.  And I set up the management bureaucracy that has you so confused.

  So, as I’m sure you’ll agree – kudos to Me.

  As for why you’re there in the first place, I’d have thought the Afterlife Examination Board had made it clear to you on your first day.  I’m not going to bother to have someone look up your records and messenger them to Me on vacation here in sunny Helsinki, (Hey, that’s kind of a coincidence.  I’m in a 5-star hotel in Helsinki and you’re in the 5th circle of Hell.  Small world, innit?), but if your account is right then it’s obvious that you’re an odious sinner who lied outright and committed so many sins in your heart that I’m amazed the board gave you a hearing at all.

  But, for what it’s worth, it’s nothing personal.  I didn’t even know you existed until I got your letter by mistake.  I’m sure that when you think about it you’ll agree that there have to be rules and you just happened to end up on the wrong side of them.  That’s just the way the cookie crumbles and all that.  You’ve got to learn to take the rough with the smooth.  For instance, when I arrived at the Hotel Kamp I expected a flunky to be waiting at reception with a glass of scotch in one hand and a Cuban cigar in the other, but there was only someone blathering on about tea.  You don’t see Me complaining though, do you?  I simply had the incompetent oaf fired.

  So you see, instead of moaning about how you ended up in Hell and bitching about missing your wife or girlfriend or whatever, make the most of the situation.  I suggest s’mores.

Wish You Were Here,



14 responses to “Dear Ernst [From Hell]…

  1. I know I keep doing this, but, can I make a suggestion? Since Gawd has many different pantheons all vying to run Hell, why not let them? Why not just hire them as subcontractors to run Hell, Hades, or whatever the hell they want to call it? Just charge them an exhorbitant franchising fee — which Gawd can use to actually start paying his union members up in heaven. And, if you charge enough on the franchise fees, you can afford many more Cubans (the sweetest and smoothest smoke on earth (not real useful in Hell — the whole thing burns at once)) and some nice single malt scotch (maybe some port wood scotch (trust me)), straight up, of course (also won’t work in hell — alcohol boils at a really low temperature).

    And send me 1% of the franchise fee.

    • That’s a good idea, (((Billy))), but as I understand it, the whole thing is highly convoluted already. Hell is owned, through a number of small holding companies like Hades Bros. Holdings and Cablevision, by Beelzebub, LLC. Beelzebub, LLC, in turn, is a wholly-owned subsidiary of Gawd, Inc. which has one majority stock-holder and two minority stock-holders. So, I think He’s farmed it out as much as He can.

      I worry that you keep trying to get Him to pay the Angel’s Union. You know how He feels about that. If you’re not careful, He’ll send a heat-seeking, intercontinental ballistic lightning bolt to smite you… in which case, a tree somewhere within 200 miles of you will feel His wrath.

      On a personal note, I quite liked your post about Usquebaugh, the water of Life.

      • At the risk of sounding like a bigger idiot than I am, what, pray tell, is Usquebaugh ?

        And, since Gawd Himself brought up the whole bit about paying His union members, not me, well, I didn’t start it, so why should I be the one to decyst?

        • It’s the Gaelic word for “Water of Life” that the modern “whiskey” comes from. Sorry. Just showing off.

          And do you really want to go there with the “I didn’t start it” defense? This is Gawd we’re talking about. This is the guy who gave John Wayne the line, “My fault, your fault, nobody’s fault – I’m gonna blow your head off.” He can be – and you know I like the guy, right? – slightly psychotic. In a loving, fatherly kind of way, obviously, but psychotic nonetheless.

          • Well, He claims to have started, like, everything which means of course, that He ‘invented’ psychosis and any mind that can think up psychotic behaviour must, by definition, be psychotic. Or Steven King.

  2. the chaplain

    Wait just a minute, (((Billy)))! Are you saying that the climate is hell isn’t conducive to either smoking or drinking? What do people drink with their meals and do after sex down there?

    • Think about it. High temperature and low humidity is very destructive of cigars (whether cheap or expensive (there is nothing like a good $1.00 cigar — if it’s only a dollar, it ain’t gonna be good (trust me on that one)). High temperatures also sweats (or boils if it is over 165 F) out the alcohol leaving just the muddy strange tasting water. If you want an environment in which these sinful things retain their certain jen e se quoi, you have to go to heaven, where the aren’t allowed. That, boys and girls, is what we call ironic.

  3. Once again Gawd and I disagree bitterly regarding food. What is wrong with a 25 € tea meal?

    Just picture it:
    – Sandwich with Serrano Ham and Olives (Serrano, yum)
    – Marble cake
    -Whipped Cream

    Actually, I would fly right away if it wasn’t for the stupid pro-religion laws Ireland ‘s been trying to pass recently: Forever In Hell: This Is Just Ridiculous

    • Lorena,

      There’s nothing at all wrong with Tea at the Hotel Kamp. It’s just that when Gawd wants something, He wants it. If He’s expecting good booze and you hand him a sandwich… well, just ask the [fill in the blank]ites how He reacts to that sort of thing.

      I’d bet that Gawd will be writing to the Irish soon, by the way.

  4. Pingback: Alcohol, Tabacco and Sex Education « (((Billy))) The Atheist

  5. Dear Gawd,
    Are there different sections to heaven? I know the part of heaven my Dad’s in has the best trout streams and good pipe tobacco. My Mom’s part has good German beers and lots of ethnic food.

    My in-laws insist there will be no drinking, or tobacco, or sex, or loud music in heaven (and none of those brown people!). Could they just be thinking of hell?

    • Mutzali,

      If your folks are in Heaven right now, I’d call them up and tell them to hightail it, PDQ. Gawd hates squatters.

      As for the no drinking, etc., you are technically correct. Since Gawd is perpetually on vacation, He’s not there to do any drinking. There are, however, brown people. Gawd’s lawn isn’t going to cut itself.

  6. So you see, instead of moaning about how you ended up in Hell and bitching about missing your wife or girlfriend or whatever, make the most of the situation. …

    my wife or girlfriend or whatever???

    We had a Christian marriage, you know… I clearly remember the part about “in the eyes of Gawd”, and you didn’t even watch?
    That puts marriage in a different light. If the Christians find out, there might be a little less songs to your honor. Maybe they will even dare to divorce their abusive spouses.

    But thanks for clarifying the hierarchy structures, next time Satan behaves like a nasty devil, I’ll know that he just had a bad day with his boss.

    • Ernst,

      I thought everyone knew that Gawd gets soooo bored at weddings. Even if He didn’t, He can’t very well go to them all and still keep to His vacation schedule. Let’s be realistic.
      Oh, and sorry about the Hell thing. That must smart, huh?

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