Dear Jesii…

C/O Christian Revival Center Retreat, Zinc, AR 72601

Dear Boys,

  I hope You’re having a fun time at camp this year and I’m especially glad not to have received any of those “Hello, Mudder.  Hello, Fodder,” letters that You usually send.  For one, that joke was old when You first tried it in 7 AD.  For another, Your “Mudder” is a whore.  Just sayin’.

  Anyway, I got the film of You showing off Your camera phone.  Very spiffy.  But a word of warning:  Don’t show this around too much.  The last thing I need while I’m trying to relax on Santorini is a bunch of smelly Samaritan lawyers trying to serve Me subpoenas.  Not when they ought to be serving Me pina coladas.  Take a little advice from one of Our brand-loyalists, Thomas Robb.  It’s not about hating the vile, disgusting, sub-human Samaritans.  It’s about loving the non-Samaritans.  Comprende?

  Oh, and speaking of foreigners, be sure to put paper on the toilet seat before You sit on it.  That’s how You get The Mexican Flu.  And always wear flip-flops in the shower.  Oh, and remember that the best way to make friends is to pick on the fat kid.  Also, I’ve got all the macrame pot-holders I could ever need, so You can give those a miss this year.

  I’m sorry to tell You that I won’t be able to pick You up from camp, Myself.  My vacation schedule is just gruelling right now.  I’m sure You understand.  Besides that, I’d have to fly US Airways to get there and their service is so piss-poor I might as well fly Pet Airways.  The last time I flew with US Airways I was busy smiting air waitresses for a month.  It’s like an airline full of Samaritans.  Yick!

Wish You Were Here,



14 responses to “Dear Jesii…

  1. When I was in high school in Western Maryland, I remember the third Friday of each month, about 1 in 5 students came to school wearing white T-shirts with the KKK symbol over the heart. Well, 1 in 10 of the Protestant kids; no Catholics, of course. And the only minorities in the school was one African-American family and some people who actually thought. They wore the shirts on Fridays because the big monthly meeting for the KKKKids group was on the third Saturday. This was a school of about 800 students so, at a rough estimate, that makes about 80 KKKKids. Which, in retrospect, scares the shit out of me.

    Part of the reason they wore the shirts was for recruiting. They talked up the games, the songs, the camp fires (no, I am not kidding here) and the cameradery. When one asked me to go on Saturday, I said that I wasn’t interested in a racist group. He (and three others) denied they were racist. When I asked how many blacks were in the group, they laughed and said, “Well, there’s only one n—-r family at the school, right? Who else should we ask?”

    So it does my heart good that in the town of Zinc, they could only come up with about 50 people. And that it is in a town called Zinc is no surprise at all. Zinc mining and smelting released tons of heavy metals into the environment and, well, mental problems are not unknown?

    Sigh. Things haven’t changed much since the bad guys were the Ammonites and Belemites, have they?

    • Good Gawd, (((Billy)))! I grew up in the Deep South and, until I read your story, I never imagined that there could be such a thing as KKKKids.
      My knee-jerk thought was, “Isn’t that illegal,”, which reminded me of a recent visit from a German friend. She was here just after all the coverage of those racist parents who named their child Adolf Hitler. She literally couldn’t understand how that could be legal. I think I better understand her now.

  2. Good one. Until now, I had never realised that that parable was actually rather racist.

  3. I must say that Gawd would do well traveling Pet Airways. He would love the unbeatable service:
    …with lots of love, care, safety, and comfort in the main cabin.

    Now, that’s hard to beat.

    However, there is the slight inconvenience that He may have to travel with taco-eating, drug mule, Mexican dogs, so He’s got a tough decision to make. Also, the “air waitresses” that will pet Him may be brown, Samaritan-like South Americans, as opposed to blue-eyed, shinny white. He may have to hide his KKK credentials.

    • Lorena,

      Every airline uses words like “love”, “care”, “safety” and “oxygen”, but they don’t all deliver. If you look closely, you’ll notice that Pet Airways a) does not have first class seating and b) requires customers to travel in cages. Not exactly Gawd’s style.

  4. Oh, and remember that the best way to make friends is to pick on the fat kid

    I’ve always thought that Frodo and Gawd would make natural bedfellows. In a, uh, totally non-gay way. Metaphor. Gawd likes metaphors, right?

  5. By the way, off subject and for all of you who blog on WordPress – Am I the only one who’s “possibly related posts” are so wildly unrelated as to border on the bizarre?

    • Sometimes it’s on target. Make that rarely. Most times it’s not.

    • the chaplain

      I tend to get links to lots of Christian sites that talk about a sometimes related subject from a completely different point of view. It’s entertaining. Sometimes, however, I had to wonder what the connection is. It must bea deep cosmic New Age sort of mystery.

  6. the chaplain

    Damn early Saturday morning!

    Sometimes I have to wonder what the connection is. It must be a deep, cosmic New Age sort of mystery.

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