C/O Christian Revival Center Retreat, Zinc, AR 72601
I hope You’re having a fun time at camp this year and I’m especially glad not to have received any of those “Hello, Mudder. Hello, Fodder,” letters that You usually send. For one, that joke was old when You first tried it in 7 AD. For another, Your “Mudder” is a whore. Just sayin’.
Anyway, I got the film of You showing off Your camera phone. Very spiffy. But a word of warning: Don’t show this around too much. The last thing I need while I’m trying to relax on Santorini is a bunch of smelly Samaritan lawyers trying to serve Me subpoenas. Not when they ought to be serving Me pina coladas. Take a little advice from one of Our brand-loyalists, Thomas Robb. It’s not about hating the vile, disgusting, sub-human Samaritans. It’s about loving the non-Samaritans. Comprende?
Oh, and speaking of foreigners, be sure to put paper on the toilet seat before You sit on it. That’s how You get The Mexican Flu. And always wear flip-flops in the shower. Oh, and remember that the best way to make friends is to pick on the fat kid. Also, I’ve got all the macrame pot-holders I could ever need, so You can give those a miss this year.
I’m sorry to tell You that I won’t be able to pick You up from camp, Myself. My vacation schedule is just gruelling right now. I’m sure You understand. Besides that, I’d have to fly US Airways to get there and their service is so piss-poor I might as well fly Pet Airways. The last time I flew with US Airways I was busy smiting air waitresses for a month. It’s like an airline full of Samaritans. Yick!
Wish You Were Here,