Illustrated Zombie Bible Classics #1
Holed Up in The Winchester Pub
Dear Stinquers,
Finally. Finally someone gets it. I was overjoyed to hear that you want to rewrite and re-illustrate My unauthorized biography. I am profoundly gratified that you can see and appreciate the zombie motif I’ve been working into the universe since I whipped it up one Saturday afternoon over beer and hot wings.
Well, I say “working into”, but the truth is, it’s gotten somewhat out of hand. I really only meant for there to be a few, select zombie scenes. You know, Hippie Jesus gets slightly killed and comes back, complete with holes in extremeties; a few graves open up once My vacation is over – that sort of thing. But, and this is where I made My boner, it turns out they’re harder to get rid of than I thought. Baron Samedi warned Me, but I figured He was just a wog deity, what did He know? Oops. Dea Culpa.
Anyway, I just want you to know that I am all for your exciting new biography of Me. You might even call it a Deiography. In fact, might I suggest that, instead of Stinque Zombie Bible, you name it Gawd II: Night of the Living Gawd? It has more of a movie feel to it, which will probably help sales, since I don’t think consumers actually read anymore.
Which brings us to the most important bit. Sales. As you may know, I never saw a cent from the first unauthorized version. Bupkis. Zero. Zilch. Our Nada what art in Our bank account, Nada be thy name… You’ll have to forgive Me for being a little giddy, but I’ve been waiting a very, very long time for something like this. So I’m thinking that, since it is about Me, I should get a 60% share of the gross. I know that’s more than My usual 10%, but I’m sure you’d like to make up for all the lost revenue from the first, (unauthorized, in case I haven’t mentioned), version. I prefer a weekly suitcase full of cash. You can have them delivered to whichever hotel I’m staying at. I’ll be sure to get you a vacation schedule.
By the way, you should probably get this thing to the publishers ASAP, before the market gets saturated. Just watch out for your brains on the way.
Wish You were here,
~Gawd
"Gone Fishin': Postcards From God" 
Congratulations, Gawd! I’m really excited about what this project will do for updating your image.
Wait. You won’t share profits with your workers, but you want publishers to share profits with you? Who do you think you are, Gawd?
(((Billy))):
Gawd has smiting powers that his workforce doesn’t have. I’m pretty sure the publishers don’t have such powers either. So, in the worlds of “might makes right” (a favorite of Gawd’s) and “the ends justify the means” (another favorite of his), Gawd can, uh, persuade people to see things his way. Or, to borrow a phrase from The Godfather, Gawd excels at making offers people can’t refuse.
Gawd versus the teamsters. Sounds like a really bad Adam Sandler movie.
I would contribute my writing skills to the Zombie Bible, to help Gawd “rebuild” his image, in spite of lack of wages…but!
I know nothing about zombie’s. For the first 40 years of my life I was kept prisoner and wasn’t allowed to laugh, so I am sense-of-humour challenged.
If Gawd wants my help, he’ll have to give me a scholarship to the same school he sent his Postie. Otherwise, I’ll have to watch only.
Still…why does he have to be cheap? He doesn’t even reimburse travel expenses?
That’s the problem with existing for an eternity. Your intellectual property rights expired an eternity ago.
Chap, (((Billy))), Lorena and FrodoSaves,
Sorry to take so long to reply to you all, but I’ve been away at a wedding. And I plan to complain to Gawd about US Airways.
Chaplain,
Thanks, from Himself. If there’s now a more hip and “with-it” deity out there, I’ve never heard of Them.
(((Billy))),
Just so you know, Gawd owns the rights to that story title and all subsequent rights to any spin-off films, toys, Happy Meals and t-shirt sales.
Lorena,
Be careful what you ask for. If Gawd sends you to the crappy schools He sent me, you might just regret it. There were five colleges in all, and one year of my sojourn through higher education was spent at Abilene Christian University. ‘Nuff said?
Frodo,
Message from Gawd: “Sing it, brother. I wish I’d never thought of the idea of Eternity. I’d magic up a time machine to go back and tell Myself not to create the concept, but that was an eternity ago and I can’t figure out what date to set the time machine dial on.”
Sorry to take so long to reply to you all, but I’ve been away at a wedding. And I plan to complain to Gawd about US Airways.
Well, thank you for letting us know. I was about to call Nancy Grace to let her know that Gawd had slaughtered His own postie for siding with the non-unionized masses of angels and cherubs.
Oh, don’t worry. He usually only smites people who cost Him money…
oh.
So comic books and websites are okay? Kewl.
They are if you don’t mind being cornered in an alley by a pack of rabid lawyers and kicked senseless with $1,200 shoes. Or being turned into a pillar of salt.
But you didn’t specifically include comic books and web sites. Why should I get abused for your oversite?
And $1,200 shoes? My wildland fire boots only cost $400, and they’re custom made.
And no thanks on the salt. Have to watch the BP, y’know.
Oh, (((Billy))). How long have you known Gawd? Did not mentioning the possibility stop Him from drowning all but one family and the few animals they could squeeze onto a party barge? I’m sure the last thought the dinosaurs had was, “Why should I get abused for your oversite?”
show some link love if you’re gonna jack the picture
nevermind, you did. my bad.