Dear Fox News…

origins-of-the-gop

1211 Ave. of the Americas, New York, NY  10036

Dear Teabaggers,

  Thank you so much for keeping Me apprised of the horrible threat facing all billionaires today.

  Taxes.

  I shudder to even write the word.  And I fervently thank Me every day that you have engineered this spontaneous uprising of regular people just like Me.

  Well, actually, I’m not going to be teabagging anyone, personally.  I figure there are plenty of little people who don’t make billions of dollars and thus don’t really have anything better to do, who are more than willing to act as My proxy in the matter of teabagging members of your government.  The same, obviously, goes for My fellow billionaires.  I’m sure they have better things to do than to protest against raising their taxes almost to the level that Saint Reagan charged them over 20 years ago.

  And, to be honest, as a federally-registered deity, I don’t actually pay taxes in the US.  But I have a sympathetic feeling toward My brethren billionaires.  Not “empathetic”, of course.  I can’t honestly say that I know how it feels to be a victim of taxation with representation.  Actually, I can’t say that I know how it feels to be a victim of anything.  Funny, huh?  You’d think, as many times as I’ve smited people, I’d have some kind of understanding of their pain, but not really.  Go figure, eh?

  Anyway, the point is that I’m 100% behind your protest.  “No taxation with representation!”

  I know that kind of rhymes and all, but wouldn’t it be quicker and simpler to just say “No taxation,”?  Gets right to the meat of the matter, if you ask Me.  Shorter, pithier, stronger.  Less rhymey and girly.  You should look into it.

  Whatever you ultimately decide to go with, just know that I will be behind it 100%.  As I sun Myself on the topless beaches of Saint Tropez, drinking bottle after bottle of Chateau Lafitte Rothschild for the cause, I will may possibly think of the literally dozens of minions and pawns who will be teabagging for the downtrodden billionaires.  I will, in effect, be teabagging your enemies by proxy.

  My heroic nature sometimes even chokes Me up.  Just know that, although neither I nor any other person these taxes will affect will be physically present, we will all be with you on the barricades in spirit.  Know that, inside, as we wrest the cork from another bottle of Chateau Personnes Riches, we are raising our voices in our battle cry with you – “Vive Les Riches Degoutants!”  Metaphorically speaking, of course.  Nothing ruins a dinner party faster than screaming out slogans during the fish course.

  Anywho, it’s time for Me to turn over and tan the other side and I hate holding the postcard between sun and face, so I’ll sign off now.  But don’t forget that I support you supporting Me with your completely spontaneous, regular-people-driven teabagging parties.

Wish You Were Here,

~Gawd

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21 responses to “Dear Fox News…

  1. Postie,

    Can you please tell Gawd for me that Oregon has no sales tax and it’s a great place to shop?

    No that Gawd needs to watch his budget, but since he doesn’t like taxes, I thought he’d appreciate the tip.

    Also, please, ask him for me to tell his servants to stop preaching in the Oregon’s light rail train. Those mother f*rs spoil the joy of tax free shopping.

    • Lorena,

      He knows. Oh, He knows. He tells me that He’s stayed at the Running Y Ranch Resort several times. He gives rave reviews to their Short-Tailed Albatross Ragout with Fairy Shrimp dressing and side of Canadian Lynx tongue.
      As for the preaching… I’m afraid you’re out of luck. He never takes public transportation, so it’s doubtful He can muster up any sympathy.

  2. How does this equation look to Gawd:

    No taxes = No tithing.

    Now that I think about it, though, I’m pretty sure I get a lot more bang for my tax dollars than I ever got for my tithe dollars. Does Gawd do refunds?

    • Oooh, Chaplain… that was one of those rhetorical questions wasn’t it?
      Just in case it wasn’t, Gawd isn’t a big fan of mathematics, beyond adding. Refunds, by their very nature, require subtraction. I think you see where this is going.

  3. If cutting taxes leads to higher revenue, then we need to cut all taxes to zero, the federal government will have infinate money, and we can actually put in the full ‘socialist’ agenda — dealing (effectively) with poverty, health care, drug treatment, basically everything Fox News hates.

    Wait. This isn’t where I thought I was. Sorry. Well, the comment has something to do with the postcard. Mark it up to OPD.

    • (((Billy))),

      Gawd couldn’t agree more. Right up until the point that He needs some kind of public service. Well, I say “agree”, but the fact is that He couldn’t care less about poverty, health care, etc. Those are PPP’s; Poor People Problems.

  4. Can you ask Gawd just who that statue is supposed to represent? When I was in Florence, I took pictures of that same statue. While everyone is intrigued by the pictures, but when they’re done giggling, eventually they ask, “Who is that guy with the club and what is he doing to the guy on the ground?”

    I thought they might be Cain and Abel, but I always pictured them as kids, not grown-up guys with chiseled abs (pun intended).

    • Well, Mutzali, some people will tell you it’s a statue of Hercules commemorating his victory over the monster, Cacus. Some people will tell you it’s a symbol of Medici power and their willingness to take it relatively easy on those who knuckled under to them.

      But Gawd tells me it’s a still-life of Saturn “sowing His seed” in an unwilling butt-boy one night at a frat party at Deity School.

  5. I thought they were getting ready for some teabagging.

    • As I understand it, Chaplain, the artist arrived just too late to capture the teabagging that preceeded what has been saved for posterity.

      • I wondered about that after I posted the comment. As far as I can tell, neither of them looks too pleased with the results of the event.

        • You know how it is when you’re just sober enough to know that you’re going to remember this in the morning.

          At least, that’s what I hear. Wouldn’t know the feeling, myself.

  6. Gawd,

    I have a question which I’m afraid to ask Google lest the filthy results taint mine holy eyes. Is one who teabags the giver, or the recipient? The reason I ask is that I would have thought that the act of teabagging requires consent from parties on both ends, in order to avoid it being a crime. But if these good conservatives are unwittingly involving others in their teabagging stunts, isn’t that a little morally suspect?

    Cordially,
    FrodoSaves

    • Frodo,

      It’s so good to see a true political philosopher around here every once in a while. Gawd says;

      “Good question. The teabagger always gives, but it’s not a crime if they know their political/moral/religious position is right. As two of My favorite brand-loyalist philosophers, Nixon and Bush Jr., have proved time and again.
      So don’t talk to Me about ‘morally suspect’ and, incidentally, Frodo was just a made-up character in a book.”

      • As the prophet of a fictional (but historical) character, I deal with all the hot button issues. Much obliged for your prompt advice, although I’m not sold on the smarmy moralizing, Gawd. Just saying.

  7. I, too, wondered about that, FrodoSaves, and couldn’t bring myself to look it up as I would surely be directed to some (cyber)den of debauchery.

    Perhaps since we’re both asking… You know, where two or more are gathered… blah, blah, blah… 😉

    • Hi Lottie,

      Long time, no see. I believe the phrase you’re searching for is, “Where two or more are gathered is usually the hotel bar.” Where “two or more” is a subset of “All Deities”.

    • I imagine that’s playing havoc with their attempts to organize local teabagging parties.

      • You’d be surprised at how sexually conservative the deities tend to be, actually. Except the Indian ones… and the Greek ones. The Roman ones were a little freaky, too, come to think of it. Oh, and don’t get Gawd started on the Hawaiians.

        Oh, wait… you meant something else, didn’t you?

  8. Pingback: The silly party « The Liquid Thinker

  9. Pingback: Dear Sarah Palin… « “Gone Fishin’: Postcards From God”

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