Dear Mac Brunson…

big-brother-is-watching124 West Ashley St., Jacksonville, FL  32202

Dear Mac,

  You know I’ve always liked you… in a manner of speaking.  Well, if I paid any attention to you at all, I would have considered you the kind of take-charge brand-loyalist who leads the cash-cow around by the nose for the glory of Me and My vacation fund.  If I engraved brand-loyalist names on an “Earner of the Month” plaque, (and, once again, presuming I’d ever noticed you), you’d be up there multiple times.

  But – and this is why I’m writing – I’d have to think seriously about taking your name off now that I know just how much money you skim off the top before you tithe into My vacation fund.  Actually, it can’t really be called a tithe if you’re not giving Me at least 10% of your $300,000 salary, plus book royalties, etc.

  All that stuff about crushing all criticism doesn’t bother Me, of course.  I’m all for that.  In this case, if you hadn’t had Thomas A. Rich investigated by the local Sheriff, outed and expelled from My Jacksonville, FL cash machine, I wouldn’t know that you’ve been holding back.  So, sort of hoist by your own petard, there.  Yep, it’s a fine line you walk, isn’t it?  Destroy all opposition, obviously.  Obviously do that.  But not so publicly that other people talk about it enough to clue Me in on your actual net worth.

  So, I said all that to say this:  Pay up, boyo.  You will find, attached, an itemized bill drawn up by My accountant in conjunction with My lawyers, Fire, Brimstone & Wrath, LLC.  It goes without saying that I expect all of the back-tithes paid, pronto.  Also, in order to avert My wrath in the form of a substantial legal and medical smiting, I have inserted additional charges for incidentals such as, (but not limited to), creating the world, ($27,854.98 is your share), guiding personalized spermatozoa through… wherever it was that it went through, ($13,963.39), causing 1984 Firebird to crash into family in station wagon instead of you , 14 Nov., 1998, ($111,419.98), and, of course, causing Google to give up name of offending blogger, (Priceless… but I’ll settle for $641,968.27).

Wish You Were Here,

~Gawd

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7 responses to “Dear Mac Brunson…

  1. That was my Subaru station wagon. The one that got hit by the Firebird? And it rear-ended me. Do you have any idea the jokes I got about that? Actually, it could have been worse. I could have been rear-ended by a Ford Probe, right?

    • But it wasn’t a Ford Probe, and for that you can thank Gawd… in the form of a money order to the tune of, say, $2,800.00 even.
      He says “Nice doing business with you.”

  2. As far as I know, Stravinsky’s Firebird never rear-ended anyone – and listening to it is as close to a divine experience as I’ve ever had.

  3. Postie: When Gawd can prove that he had anything to do with the Firebird, no problemo. ‘Til then? Nah-uh.

    Chappie: This was a Pontiac Firebird. Named after the Chief (not to be confused with PhillyChief).

    • Chaplain,

      Gawd says thanks for reminding Him. That’ll be $14.98 per. I’ve got the impression He’s trying a new income strategy. You thought the Taxman in the Beatles song was harsh…

      (((Billy))), (((Billy))), (((Billy)))… you know how that word makes Gawd’s blood pressure shoot up. He says if you want proof you should consider the humble banana. I don’t know if He means the car slipped on a banana peel or what.

  4. What does Gawd do with a banana? Part of me is intrigued. Part of me just goes, “Ewwwwwww.”

    Proof.

    Proof.

    Proof.

    Proof.

    Proof.

    (Just trying to give Gawd the big one) Proof.

    • Actually, I think Gawd was just messing with you. I’ve heard Him say that when He invented the banana it was altogether greener, more lumpy and seedier. This newfangled banana is some sort of patent infringement.
      Trying to give Him the big one? You should be ashamed; especially after He saved you from a nasty Ford Probing.

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