Dear Israelis…

gawds-size-12sSmack in the Middle of the Old Country

Dear Former Chosen People,

  Sometimes, breakups can be long and painful.  That’s just part of the human condition.  Well, as decreed by Me after that bitch, Eve, went behind My back.  But the human condition, nonetheless.

  Often, the worst part is trying to get your Clash records back and agreeing on who owns what.  In order to facilitate and simplify the ownership question, I’ve asked a disinterested third party to check into that for Me.  Professor Adam Zertal has just written to Me to confirm that the Jordan Valley is, in fact, mine.  Which, let’s be honest, you and I both already knew.  This is the very reason that I insisted on a Pre-Chosen Agreement all those years ago.  Anything with My footprint on it belongs to Me, (see attachment a, constituting legal and binding evidence).


  Conversely, as I am a fair and just Gawd – you’ll recall My fair and just smiting of the [fill in the blank]ites – anything with your bootprint on it belongs to you, (see attachment b).


  Obviously, this doesn’t cover the aforementioned Clash records, as footprints generally mar their usefulness.  And don’t think that your transparent attempts to ingratiate yourself with My new Chosen People will save you from returning what’s Mine.  As you know, not only am I a fair and just Gawd and a jealous Gawd, I’m a Gawd who knows which set of dishes He brought to the relationship and a Gawd who never forgets.

  So, chop-chop on that Jordan Valley thing.  I want to start renting it out to vacationers or possibly selling to some Saudi Arabian condo developers I met in the hotel bar.  But don’t think it’s all about the money.  It’s the principle of the thing.  Well… it is kind of about the money; but, to a certain extent, principle is involved, too.  Sort of.  Well… not principle, as such – more like “principle”, where “principle” is understood to mean “quick real-estate cash”.

Wish You Were Here,



9 responses to “Dear Israelis…

  1. Clash? Ya’ll gotta be kiddin’ me. You’d fight over Clash records? Now, Dylan I could see. Or Donovan. Or Ochs. But the Clash? So what is it with wanting to fight to the someone else’s death over worthless (or near worthless) things? The Jordan Valley has no iron, coal, oil, myrrh, or titanium deposits. Granted, you can grow olives in what little soil is left, but it’s fricken desert, dude! Do you think it’ll be the next Sun City or Santa Fe?

    • First, and most importantly, I’ve got to agree with Gawd on The Clash. Next to They Might Be Giants, they’re the most often heard thing on not only My but Gawd Almighty’s iPod.
      As for the JV, I understand He’s been talking to some Saudi developers who assure Him He’ll see a huge profit on the deal. There’s nothing He likes more than a quick buck… unless it’s a lot of quick bucks.

  2. I think I am losing what is left of my respect for Gawd. Then again, I’m an atheist, so . . . .

  3. Ah! What can I say, Postie. Your employer is so full of it.

  4. Would mierda be too strong a word?

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