Dear Archbishop of Canterbury…


Lambeth Palace, London, UK  SE1 7JU

Dear Rowan,

  I saw this postcard and immediately thought of you.  Funny that you share a first name, eh?  I imagine I’m the first to point that out to you, so if you use it as chit-chat at a dinner party or something, be sure to mention where you heard it.

  Anyway, kudos to you for sticking up for the little guy.  I couldn’t agree more that My brand-loyalists are always getting it in the neck from those bastards over at the BBC.  Why, it’s practically a television Inquisition.  How dare a business exclude brand-loyalist programming just because no one wants to watch it?!  Don’t they realize that My poor, minority, shat-upon brand is the largest in the world?

  Here.  I’ll just sketch out a pie chart you can show to the minions of intolerance at the BBC.


  That ought to show them that they can’t kick sand in the face of the proverbial 98-pound brand-loyalist, or they’ll get broken like a twig.

  On the other hand, I picked up a copy of some rag called The Dailymash while on layover at the Jersey Airport in the Channel Islands, (and by the way, if you find yourself there, be sure to try the Royal Potato Onna Stick).  Their interview of you struck Me as just a tad bit more to-the-point than I usually like.  As you know, I generally prefer brand-loyalist leaders to steer a path around saying things like, “[N]ot once in the entire history of the world has [Gawd] intervened to stop bad things happening,”.  You and I know that I’m not going to answer the droves of tiresome postcards I get daily asking for relief from disease, war, famine, etc., but We don’t mention it in polite company.  Instead, try pointing out that it’s slightly possible that I may help someone find their lost car keys.  You’ve got to start concentrating on the positive.  Not, obviously, as concerns the BBC; but in the finding-lost-keys or turning-traffic-lights-green areas.

  So, otherwise, good job and the boys say “Hi”.

Wish You Were Here,



9 responses to “Dear Archbishop of Canterbury…

  1. Ah, the poor oppressed minority. My heart bleeds for them (of course, I’m a bleeding heart liberal, so take that with a grain of salt (Christian salt, of course)).

  2. If you want to boost viewership of religious programming in the UK, I’ve got a deal for you:
    for every British comedy you send to the USA, we’ll send you a televangelist’s show. Sounds like a win-win to me.

    • Speaking entirely for myself, Chaplain, I think that’s a great idea. Kind of crappy for the brits, but they’ve got to look out for themselves. If they haven’t spent a good deal of time developing immunities to televangelism it’s going to be ugly. But as I say – not our problem.

    • Wait, Chappie. Exporting things is not all its cracked up to be. We tried exporting democracy to Iraq and Afghanistan and they’re still royally pissed at us. If we export Robertson et al. to England, it could get ugly fast.

      Just a thought.

  3. But, (((Billy))), we get all kinds of British comedies in return. It’s worth the risk/cost.

  4. Chappie, if we send them our televangelists, they’ll get pissed. If they get pissed, they might start sending us their food or, even worse, their beer! The risk is too great.

  5. they might start sending us their food

    No, we certainly don’t want that. On a second thought, I can stand to lose weight, and that will definitely be the way.

    I wonder if they tried that in Guantanamo Bay as a form of torture. Maybe they should try it.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s