3rd Bunker on the Left, Christwire.org Compound
Some of the other deities and I have a bet on about whether or not your advice column and Christwire.org itself is some form of advanced satire or not. On the one hand, a lot of people are laughing at you, but on the other, your advice for mothers of masturbators is completely in line with My will. So it’s a tough call.
We’ve all agreed not to turn on the omniscience, (those of us who have it), to decide this bet. Although I’m tempted to switch it on just for a minute to make sure that Smertrios isn’t cheating. You can never trust those Me-Damned, filthy, foreign deities. We’re all meeting at the Mt. Olympus Bar & Grill next Wednesday to lay Our final bets before turning on the omniscience and settling up.
That’s why I’m writing to you. I figure, since you’re the advice columnist, you’re the go-to person when readers ask, “Is this shit for real?” Personally, I’m leaning toward “For Real”. Your advice alone parallels My will so closely when you say things like;
“Masturbation will make your daughter very comfortable exploring her body, and it will not be long until she begins to envision other people partaking in the deviant behavior with her.”
That is so dead-on. There is nothing that gets up My left nostril like masturbation. I’ve lost count of the number of people I’ve had to smite for it over the years. It’s pretty much the only thing I have time to smite for these days, but don’t spread that around. And you’d be surprised at the identities of some of them. Jimmy Carter? Monkey spanker. Benny Hinn? He’s dated Palmela Handerson, (and, by the way, Benny Hill – hardly at all, go figure). Stephen Baldwin? Plays one-handed baseball every single time no one is looking, and sometimes when they are. You ladies, too, of course. Michele Bachmann hits the slit. So, surprisingly, does Barbara Bush. She shuffles her iPod at least three times a week. There’s also, and I can understand why you didn’t mention it – you. You’re almost constantly slamming the clam. When you’re not doing that you’re turning Japanese or double-clicking the mouse. No matter how many times I smite you for it, you never seem to even cut down. Remember when you slammed your finger in the car door that time? That was a Righteous Smiting from Gawd. Remember when you lost your car keys and found them a week later in the freezer on top of the ice cream? That was a smiting, too. The time that dog chewed up the shoe string on your left sneaker was Divine Retribution for having a knee-trembler, as well.
Admittedly, I’ve never been very good at spotting satire. But it’s very important that I’m one of the winners, (hopefully the only), of this bet. If that hack, Allah, gets it right and I don’t, there will surely be weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth.
Wish You were here,
P.S. – Please don’t print this postcard and your answer in your column, as that would ruin the whole point of getting inside info. Just keep in mind that it’s not only My Will, but it’ll be a poke in Allah’s eye as well.