Dear United States Government…


East Capitol St., NE & 1st St., NE, Washington, DC  20002

Dear Gov., (through your Three Branches),

  I’m sure you’re trying your best, but your best doesn’t seem to be doing the trick.  Even with the overwhelmingly huge clamour from My brand-loyalists, you don’t quite seem to have gotten the idea.  I don’t care about the rich getting richer.  In fact, I’m all for it.  Being “comfortable”, (though not as “comfortable” as I’d like), Myself, I have what you might call a vested interest in the status quo.  However, in this instance I expect you to funnel these bailout billions of yours in a more righteous direction.  If not directly into My vacation fund, then to people and things that can be counted on to pass the wealth to Me.  I think you get My meaning.

  This new guy in the White House seems to understand what I’m looking for.  In a word:  Faith-Based.  Compared to him, you might as well not exist.  Show Me the money, US Government.  Show Me the money.  I’ll believe you’ve gotten with the program once I see the money.  Actually, as I have these sudden, new doubts of your very existence, I’ll believe in you, in general, just as soon as My vacation fund shows a deposit amount in excess of $1 billion.

  The more I think about this existence issue, the more worried I get.  I’m trying not to think of it, of course, but I can’t seem to help it.  Do you exist?  Do you exist and are you working to make My vacation better?  Do you exist but not care about My vacation?  Do you even know about My financial woes and do you have the power to affect them?  These are deep, philosophical questions that I tend to shy away from.  I mean, I like to assume that you’re there, up in Washington, looking after My interest without having to do anything, Myself.  But what if I’m wrong?  Then I’d have to solve My vacation fund issues on My own.

  Well, until someone can prove to me that you don’t exist and aren’t looking after My welfare, I’ll just assume you do and act accordingly.  I’m off for a quick dip in the hotel’s solid gold pool.  Later, I’ll have them send up an omelet in a Faberge egg.

Wish You Were Here,



6 responses to “Dear United States Government…

  1. Welfare for the rich is so 2001 to 2008. See, what you have to do is go all Ayn Rand on us, just go on strike (not that anyone would notice, of course) and let your income drop down. Then you can get screwed with the rest of the middle class.

    • (((Billy))),
      As you know, if there’s one thing that Gawd dislikes intensely it’s being screwed with the middle class. To paraphrase “Pulp Fiction”, (one of Gawd’s favorites), Gawd don’t like to be fucked by anybody but Mrs. Gawd.
      And, as you say, why bother to go on strike when He’s already on paid vacation?

  2. Dear Gawd,

    I can assure you that the US government exists. I know this because it confiscates a sizable chunk of my money for its own uses.

    • Chaplain,
      Really? Gawd is 110% against socialism and sharing the wealth. Watching TV has shown Him that Americans are, too. Therefore, your proof of existence is, in fact, the opposite. It is impossible for a government to exist in a form that the people disapprove of, ipso facto, etc., etc. – voila!

      • But don’t churches redistribute wealth? Like from the sheeple to the minister, and from the minister to (very few) people who actually need the money?

        • Well, no. Of course not. That’s just ridiculous. The minister is being tipped for saving their eternal soles… souls. Most of the money, as we all know, goes to Gawd and as He considers Himself to be the rightful owner of everything, then it’s not actually a redistribution.
          Besides, Gawd tells me that His brand-loyalists never do anything that He doesn’t approve of and He most assuredly does not approve of socialism.

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