Dear PZ Myers, et al…


C/O University of Minnesota, Morris, Doolittle Lab for Applied Octogenesis

Dear PZ & Minions,

  It has come to My attention that you have called Me a “petulant, petty whiner“.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  Why is it that everyone is always saying unkind things about Me?  Just the other day I ordered a bottle of Chateau Lafitte Rothschild from room service and kindly tipped the waiter who brought it My customary 3 1/2%.  As he left I’m sure I heard him grumbling about Me.  As everyone knows, tips are for exemplary service, not simply doing one’s job, but suddenly I was the bad guy after going out of My way to give him something he didn’t deserve.  I swear, I’ll never understand people.

  Anyway, that’s a little off the point.  The reason I’m writing is because you were making fun of My reply to those kids about why I don’t intervene in school shootings.  You seemed to have some sort of issue with My Chosen Atheists asking Me not to interfere, or in fact, set foot in schools.

  Alright, in all fairness, My brand-loyalists on YouTube didn’t exactly make My position clear.  I’ll try to do so, as I always have for My Chosen People.  Without getting into the details, the non-interference request originated when I was asked to judge a science fair and, (I’m not proud of this), laughed at some children.  It’s really best all around, this way.  Parents don’t like their kids getting laughed at and I don’t like kids laughing, so it’s kind of a win/win.

  However, the main reason I don’t interfere in shootings and muggings and plane crashes and American Idol is that I am on vacation.  I just don’t have the time for all that stuff and sipping Mai-Tais by the hotel pool, too.  It’s not that I don’t care about those things… well, some of those things.  It all comes down to; I can’t be bothered.

  I sincerely hope this has cleared up your little misunderstanding.  And by the way, tell Cthulu He still owes Me 14s, 6d from that pub crawl in 1743.

Wish You Were Here,



8 responses to “Dear PZ Myers, et al…

  1. Wait. Aren’t You always whining about not having enough dough for your wining and dining?

    Does your collection agency charge a fee? And do you worry about accumulated interest on the outstanding debt?

    • (((Billy))),

      Message from Gawd: “Thou shalt not point out the Lord thy Me’s inconsistancies.”

      As for collecting on the Cthulu debt, I understand all the deities have a sort of “gentleman’s agreement” not to charge interest.

      • That doesn’t give me a whole heckuva lot to talk about, does it?

        • At least he didn’t use that tired old, “I work in mysterious ways,” excuse. But, really, I doubt He sees His whining as whining. It’s like when he admonished everyone not to kill and then wiped out the [fill in the blank]ites or sent those bears to do fingerpainting with some kids’ guts.
          Still, a direct order from Gawd Almighty-ish isn’t actually going to stop you, is it?

          • Damn. “Fill-in-the-blankites”. Now I need a new keyboard.

            And no, a second-hand direct order from an imaginary sociopath will not deter me from pointing out said imaginary sociapath’s inconsistencies.

  2. O.T. Gawd, but what’s up with Pele around the Tonga area? Is she still upset about Hi’iaka?

    • Actually, that may be Gawd’s fault. He has this thing for Pele and He sometimes drunk-dials Her. He told me He once hit on Hi’iaka when They were in school, so that may enter into it, too.

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