Hither and Yon, about My business
Dear Boys,
Quit screwing around, would you? With Easter on the way it’s important, certainly, to get your faces out there. I would like, for once since the Gawddamned dark Ages, to bring in more money this year than the Easter Bunny. (That shrewd SOB and His candy tie-ins.) But playing practical jokes is not the way to do it.
Really. Grow up, boys. Just for My own morbid curiosity, which one of You pressed Your face to some incontinent old priest’s seat-cushion? Just thinking of that nearly induces peristalsis. How You thought anyone would be amused is beyond Me. Now that I think about it, I’ll bet the joke was on one of You. Let Me guess… You were bickering about something inconsequential again, and somebody said “I’ll bet I’m right!” From there it was just a matter of googling before one of You had His face smothered by a priestly butt-comforter for a count of 30. Am I right?
Gawddammit! Easter is serious business. I can’t vacation on hopes or wishes or pixie dust or prayers, You know. It takes hard cash and Easter tithing has been dropping off over the last 700-odd years. I need You two to manifest Yourselves on Letterman and start a ‘Stupid Deity Tricks’ craze. Maybe that one where You turn Yourselves into crackers and wine, like the Wonder Twins. “Shape of – a cracker!” People will love that one. Be sure to plug the tithing angle and try to hit all the talk shows after that. Except Leno. Leno’s out. His voice and warmed-over jokes annoyed Me once too often.
Now get to work supporting Your Old Man in the comfort to which He has become accustomed. I have spoken.
Wish You Were Here,
~Gawd
"Gone Fishin': Postcards From God" 
Maybe he’s hoping that an altar boy will take a seat, neh?
Come on, Gawd, lighten up a little. It’s nice to see the boys using their imaginations again. This was a nice variation on the usual pancake, grilled cheese sandwich and potato appearances – all of those have gotten stale lately.
Chaplain,
I’m sure He’s proud of Their initiative, it’s just that no one is paying to see it. You know how that chaps Gawd’s tuchas.
Dear Gawd–
Maybe the Boys were listening to Monty Python—you know, “Sit on My Face (And Tell Me That You Love Me)”. It is a catchy little number.
Mutzali,
Thanks for writing to Gawd. He takes a personal and loving interest in each and every comment left here… as far as you know. However, He cannot reply to your comment due to an ongoing legal dispute between Monty Python and Gawd, Inc. over copyright infringement issues.