[Note to Postman: For hand delivery, presumably somewhere in Nigeria.]
I received your postcard and couldn’t be happier to help. When I thumbed through yesterday’s mail and saw this;
I am Mrs.Mary Parker, my husband deposited 11.5 Million Pounds with a
Bank when he was alive. I’m suffering from esophageal cancer,Stand-in as my beneficiary and collect the Funds finance Charity Organisations.if you are interested, reply to Email: firstname.lastname@example.org
I was tickled pink. Usually when brand-loyalists send postcards they’re full of depressing requests like “Please make Mommy better,” or “Please take care of Scruffy up in Heaven.” If not that, they usually ask Me to smite someone or to put in a good word for them with their boss. I usually don’t reply. I mean, what am I supposed to say? “Mommy wouldn’t have syphilis now if she hadn’t been so sinful when she was 19, so she’s on her own,”? “Thanks, but I don’t want a dog who can’t be bothered to look both ways,”? Really. I’m a busy Gawd. That Chateau Lafite Rothschild ’98 isn’t going to drink itself.
So when I saw that you weren’t asking Me to cure your esophageal cancer, but to collect 11.5 Million Pounds, I was touched. And speaking of touching, I assume from your email address that 1/10th of that sum would be going toward My vacation fund. In order to save you the trouble, especially in your weakened state, I will simply pocket the 150,000 Pounds, plus the small gratuity I’m sure you would want to offer, before turning it over to you.
It’s times like these that I thank Me for people like you and Kendra Todd. She wrote a best-seller called “Risk and Grow Rich” that brings in money hand over fist. As she is such a dedicated brand-loyalist, I have no doubt that I will see a good chunk of that cash any day now. You and Kendra, who I have no doubt will both be extraordinarily generous with the wealth at your disposal, are the kind of brand-loyalists that can make up for the black eye the US Army just gave all of you.
As you may know, the Army is especially chock-full of My brand-loyalists. It seems like a day doesn’t go by that I don’t hear about them persecuting My Chosen People, the atheists. Which, of course, is all according to plan. You can’t be one of My Chosen without taking one in the goolies every so often. It gives excellent street-cred and builds character. Just ask the Jews.
But then the Army went and screwed it up by being miserly with the cash flow. I expect charities to do two things; spread the wealth around so it can be tithed and kick back a significant portion directly to My vacation fund. But Army Emergency Relief hasn’t been doing either. They’ve got $345 million just sitting around not paying My hotel bills! Greedy people really piss Me off.
But that’s all beside the point, which was to simply thank you for the opportunity to do you a good deed. Gratis; free of charge.
Wish You Were Here,