Dear Joey Ratz,
I thought we had an understanding. I thought we had an agreement. Every other Pope before you has kept to the agreement. Well, except for John VIII; I had to smite him with arsenic and a claw-hammer when he threatened to blab. Oh, also Stephen VII and Leo V. I had them strangled. And John X, now that I think about it. He passed away quietly in his sleep with a pillow over his face. Hadrian III, too, actually. Arsenic again, but he kicked off before I could get the hammer. Then there was Stephen IX, but that was an accident. I was just going to scare him a little, but the pansy couldn’t hack it without his eyes, nose, tongue and hands.
The point is that most of your predecessors knew how to keep their mouths shut.
Just to be clear, let Me outline our little arrangement. You do two simple things; 1) raise cash for My vacation fund and 2) keep your Me-damned trap shut about My personal business. In return, I a) won’t smite you and b) won’t leak to the Mossad what you really did during the war. The bit that concerns us today is #2, above. Joey… someone’s been talking.
Now, I don’t really care if everyone knows My ex-wife, Mary, was a slut. That cat’s been out of the bag for a long time, (although I wish someone had told Me before I married Her). I don’t even care that the Jesii’s paternity has been called into question. I had Them tested years ago and, for better or worse, They’re Mine. I do, however, care that someone has gotten their hands on Hippie Jesus’ school picture, which debunks the whole “walking on water” thing.
A truly stunning portion of My vacation fund comes from American brand-loyalists. But do you know what Americans won’t give money for? Besides starving foreigners and windmills, that is. They won’t give money to a brand who’s mascot is a fat, wheezy nerd, too heavy to do a simple water-walking miracle!
Am I getting through to you, Ratzy? You are so lucky I don’t have a horse’s head handy right now. I know you complained about this information getting broadcast. I know you’re going to say that it wasn’t you who leaked. I almost blame Myself for not burning the Vatican’s X-Files years ago. But that’s immaterial right now. It’s like My old pal John Wayne used to say, “Anything goes wrong, anything at all… your fault, my fault, nobody’s fault… it don’t matter. I’m gonna blow your head off. It’s as simple as that.” He really had a way with words.
That’s where we stand right now, Joey. If you don’t make this problem go away; I don’t care if the information was stolen from the Vatican vaults or you whispered it to some cute alter boy you were trying to make or if you yelled it from the rooftop with a megaphone – I’m gonna smite your head off.
I expect you to deal with this. I want to see headlines soon to the effect of “Ha, Ha, Fat Useless Jesus Just A Joke, Says Everyone”. ‘Cause if My vacation fund suffers… so will you.
Boy Do I Wish You Were Here,