Dear Barack Obama…


1600 Pennsylvania Ave. NW, Washington, DC  20500

Dear Barry,

  I know you’re a good brand-loyalist.  I know it because I’ve heard you say so on numerous occasions.  I know it because, as far as I can make out, it’s illegal to be elected president of the US of A if you’re not.  When people said you were a secret brand-loyalist for that hack, Allah, I just tapped the side of My nose in a significant and knowing manner.

  Being such a good brand-loyalist, you must know what kind of Gawd I am.  The jealous kind.  The wrathful kind.  The kind who likes a nice bottle of scotch at the end of the day.  The loving kind?  Not so much… except when it comes to My boys.  I’ve got a real soft spot for the Jesii.

  They tell Me you’ve got kids of your own.  So maybe you can understand why I’m feeling a little smitey that you’re hogging Their limelight.  The folks over at the Harris Poll called to tell Me that I am now ranked number 11 in their “Hero Poll”… up from “Unranked:  less than 1%” in 2001.  Like every year, they were giving Me the list of respondents names and addresses so I could reward/smite appropriately, and they happened to mention your ranking – relative to My boys.

  I’ve never expected to top their poll, myself.  And that’s okay.  I mean, look at what Americans expect in their heroes:

  •   “Doing what’s right regardless of personal consequences.”  Well, there are no consequences for Me.  I’m Gawd.
  •   “Not giving up until the goal is accomplished.”  My only goal is vacation, and while it’s true that I won’t give up on vacationing until the last star in the sky winks out, people don’t usually understand the dedication that takes.
  •   “Doing more than what other people expect from them.”  I’m kind of between a rock and a hard place on that one.  The brand-loyalists expect everything they can possibly imagine and more; and My Chosen People don’t expect anything at all, so I can’t do enough for most and only meet expectations for a few.  It’s a lose/lose.
  •   “Overcoming adversity.”  Ditto criteria number one.  What adversity?  I’m Gawd.
  •   “Staying level-headed in a crisis.”  You flood one little planet… sheesh.

  Anyway, like I say, I don’t expect to top the list.  As long as I beat Oprah, I’m okay.  But My boys… well, I like to see Them at the pole position every year.  It shows that My Deadbeat Dad approach worked.

  So I’m going to make you an offer you can’t refuse.  Take a dive.  No one’s asking you not to make a good showing, just not #1.  Take an extra long time to cl0se Gitmo or turn a blind eye to Rove skipping out on Congressional subpoenas.  Knuckle under a few times when the Republicans tell you “no”.  You get the idea.  Now, this first term, you may feel a slight sting.  That’s pride fucking with you.  Fuck pride.  Pride only hurts, it never helps.

  Take My advice.  You’ll be a hero to Me.

Wish You Were Here,



5 responses to “Dear Barack Obama…

  1. My only goal is vacation . . . .

    You’ve been on vacation for, what, 14.3 billions years? That’s more than W.

  2. Er… I think you mean “6,000 years”; which still slightly edges out Bush.

  3. The brand-loyalists expect everything they can possibly imagine and more; and My Chosen People don’t expect anything at all, so I can’t do enough for most and only meet expectations for a few. It’s a lose/lose.

    Sometimes it’s tough to be a deity.

  4. Oh. Right. Sorry.


  5. Chaplain,
    Sing it sister. Sometimes when I deliver the mail I hear The Smiths playing on the stereo.

    ‘Salright. It’s a common mistake. He forgets sometimes, too.

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