Tour Eiffel Champ de Mars, 75007 Paris, France
Dear Gawdless Foreigners,
I was recently having drinks with The Invisible Pink Unicorn, (at least I think I was), in the Atlantis Bar downstairs at My hotel and I mentioned that I’ve been seeing fewer and fewer Euros in My vacation fund. According to My records My cut from church rentals for marriage ceremonies has really been falling off.
She looked at Me sympathetically, (I assume), signalled for another watermelon margarita, (presumably), and told Me a terrible story about you. You’ve been getting PACked instead of married! Your name has long been a byword for wine drinking, runny-cheese eating and exceptionally naughty kissing, but I never expected that you were into Gawd-stiffing! This from the people who sell souvenirs at Notre Dame? Even after remembering this postcard I picked up at Charles de Gaulle Airport last month, I thought I could count on you.
Now a third of you are refusing to get married, thus making the worldwide depression worse. How selfish can you get? Don’t you know that there are deities who depend on this cash flow? Do you realize how many St. Christophe key-chains the Notre Dame giftshop will have to sell to make up for this shortfall?
“Thank Me for American televangelists“, is all I can say. As usual, America is doing it’s part to make up for your screw-ups. As you may have heard, Americans have been flocking to the voting booths to make sure that church rentals are an integral part of the law of the land.
I shudder to think of what the world would be like if everyone followed your example. It’s people like you who make the Jesii cry.
Wish You Were Here,
P.S. – While I’m at it, I’d like to confirm My reservations for next week at Hotel du Louvre. Please reserve My usual table in the Defender Bar and have Maurice ready with a large scotch when I check in.