C/O Christian Broadcasting Network, 977 Centerville Tnpk., Virgina Beach, VA 23463
Dear Telecasting Brand-Loyalists,
As you know, I don’t much like to meddle in your business. My motto has always been “if it’s bringing in money for My vacation fund, don’t fix it”. However, I have another motto which goes, “there’s no such thing as bad publicity”, but since Jerry Falwell went to his reward, (24 cubic feet of real estate on the Liberty University campus), publicity has fallen off somewhat.
So imagine My shock when I learned that Allah, (that hacktastic hack), has been stepping up His publicity game. One of Allah’s, (hack, hack), brand-loyalist broadcasters went and cut off his wife’s head, presumably with a wickedly-sharpened copy of the Qur’an. You can’t buy publicity like that!
Now, I’ve only read far enough into the Qur’an to satisfy Myself that Allah, (who, by the way, is a hack), stole His schtick from Me. Maybe cutting off wive’s heads is a central tenet of His brand. I don’t know. What I do know is that Muzzammil Hassan launched Bridges TV in 2004 in order to portray Allah’s, (or, the Thief of Baghdad’s), brand-loyalists in a positive light. Then, two days before Valentine’s, he beheaded his wife.
On the one hand, if he was trying to steal publicity from the Gawdless Hindus defiling one of My brand-holidays; more power to him. Frankly, with some of the things I’ve seen Hindu deities get up to, it’s just crassly hypocritical to give people a hard time on Valentine’s Day. Especially since I get a kickback from every heart-shaped box of candy sold.
On the other hand… where were you? How come you’re not grabbing headlines? I know you’re going to try to tell Me that most of you didn’t run those two stories, but that’s not enough. Suppressing stories with religious overtones is all well and good. Only running positive stories about My brand-loyalists, or stories that make them look like oppressed minorities, is fine. But My bank accounts demand more.
Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of Gawd’s vacation fund. A half dozen or so of you are going to have to step up. (Rupert, I’m looking at you.) My first thought was that one of you could eat a baby on live television. Uncooked, if possible. But then I thought it would be more powerful if you re-enacted scenes from My glory days. Then, if anyone tried to stop you, you could say that the wicked, Gawdless majority was trying to suppress Biblical History.
So here’s My plan. Try to space these actions out so that just after publicity peaks for one, you pull the next, and so on. That way, you get constant airtime throughout.
1. Release a ravenous bear in a school playground. It worked like gangbusters for Elisha. People were talking about that one for years. Be sure to interview the parents afterwards.
2. Pre-empt American Idol to sacrifice an only-son on top of the Time-Warner Center. Close-ups of his trusting face before, during and after are a must.
3. Sign a business deal with someone, then kill him, his son and everyone in their neighborhood. Take their women and cattle.
4. Torture and kill one or more of your employees, making sure they last a day or two. Show video teasers during prime-time.
5. Free all the carnivores from a local zoo. Try to synchronise it with a school field trip if possible.
6. If anyone complains about My plan, infect them with something gross. Leprosy works nicely.
Now get out there and start making headlines, instead of just suppressing them.
Wish You Were Here,