Dear Catholics…

As soon as a coin in the coffer rings / the soul from Purgatory springs.

As soon as a coin in the coffer rings / the soul from Purgatory springs.

C/O Benny Ratz, Apostolic Palace, 00120 Vatican City

Dear Papists,

  Hi, it’s Me, Gawd.  I know you haven’t heard from Me in a while, but I was just thinking about you last week.  I was looking forward to a lovely time at Grosvenor House Dubai, but when I checked in I was embarrassingly short of cash.  Instead of the Deluxe Suite with Sea View and butler service which I had reserved, I was forced to settle for the 1-Bedroom Apartment with Marina View and butler service.  It was, as you can imagine, not only disconcerting but it made Me feel dirty and poor to stay in such low-rent accommodations.  How do you people manage it?

  It forced Me to take a long, hard look at My vacation policy.  Eventually, I raised My hands to Me and said, “As I am My witness, I shall never stay in business-class rooms again!

  This is where you come in.  It’s time to pony up – and tithing isn’t enough.  However, as I am a market forces type of Gawd, it’s only right that you should get something for your money.  So step right up and get your Indulgences while they last!  For the first time since 1567 you can know the peace that passeth understanding; that, for the nominal fee of whatever the market will bear, you can get Gramma out of Purgatory early.  Think of it.  Dear old Grammy, who accidentally stabbed Grampus for snoring in 1964, can get early parole in the afterlife… if you love her enough to stump for the Deluxe Suite.  As My former business manager, Johann Tetzel, used to say:

“As soon as a coin in the coffer rings

the soul from Purgatory springs.”

  I loved that man.  I really did.

  Or perhaps you’re more interested in a little insurance.  That’s fine; I don’t judge – (unless I’m feeling cranky).  Worried that you might have to cut someone off in traffic?  Feel like smacking the wife if she serves Hamburger Helper™ again?  Know in your heart of hearts that little Johnny will mind better if you just give him a good shaking?  Well, there’s no need to feel guilty about it as long as you’ve got one of these babies in your pocket.  Venialize to your heart’s content.  In fact, the more, the better!

  As you know, I’m no shopkeeper and I’m much too classy to publish a price list.  Frankly, if you have to ask, then you probably don’t really need one… yet.  But on the other hand, who knows what little sin might keep you cooped up in Purgatory while all your friends are having a blast praising Me for eternity?  Don’t ask yourself if you can afford a file cabinet full of indulgences; ask yourself if you can afford not to have a few dozen tucked away for a fiery day.

Wish You Were Here,



7 responses to “Dear Catholics…

  1. Dear Gawd,

    I’m a little surprised it took you so long to revive this surefire fund-raising scheme. It worked really well the first time around (well, until Martin Luther screwed things up with his 95 Theses and all). I’m pleased to see that you’re willing to revive old, proven methods.

  2. Chappy,
    If there’s anything that Gawd is, it’s comfortable with the tried-and-true. Change in general breaks Him out in hives.

  3. Just think. At the time this was a unique money making idea. Why not, you don’t what your friends and realatives staying in Purgatory do you?

  4. Tammy,
    Welcome to our humble postal code.
    The answer to your question, I would say, is; it all depends on how much you like your friends and relatives. For the sake of Gawd’s vacation, let’s hope a lot.

  5. Query: do atheist bloggers get a slice of that lucrative pie for helping to spread the word?

  6. (((Billy))),
    Answer: While Gawd is more than happy to acknowledge us as His Chosen People, I’d say we won’t see any of the loot until we pry it from His cold, dead hands. As He is, in fact, an immortal deity, this may be a while.

  7. Damn! Worth a try, though.

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