For Hand Delivery
Dear Messieurs & Mesdames,
Recently, I’ve been getting many postcards from you with questions about My will. My will concerning… well, concerning what might best be described as “Gawdly Intercourse“.
Stop it. Just stop.
Not that I’m a prude or anything. Far from it. I mean, I’ve been around the universe a time or two; if you know what I mean. Gawd’s no babe in the woods… not that I haven’t had a few babes in the woods. You know what I’m saying? And I’ve been to those parties over at Shiva’s where Everyone leaves Their keys in a bowl. I’ve seen the elephant… literally, in some cases.
However, that doesn’t mean that I necessarily want to know about what you and the Mrs. get up to late at night with a box of baking soda and an air filter. I hope we understand one another. So, to get this whole embarrassing topic out of the way once and for all, I will try to outline for you My will on these delicate matters in as refined and urbane a way as I can.
By far your most frequent questions have been about “Le Menage a Trois“. My will is: Go for it, but never two men and one woman! Not that I have anything against homosexuals; some of My best angels were gay. It’s just that if you want to go into politics later it will limit you to one party.
Many of you also seem to be curious about “Le Poing… ing“. My will is: As long as you don’t email Me pictures.
A lot of husbands have asked for Me to codify My will regarding imbibing of “L’eau Vivante“. let Me just quote the Jesii if I may: “Hell, yes!” They have always been boosters where that is concerned. Just ask the Woman of Samaria.
Some of you are eager to know My will concerning “Renversement Graine” while your partner is away at the beauty parlor or watching football. That one is a strict no-no. Under no circumstances are you ever to do that! That one gets right up My nose… metaphorically speaking.
Finally, or to end, if you will, “La Route Chocolat“. If it was good enough when you were dating in order to stay “La Vierge”, it’s good enough for the marriage table.
I sincerely hope we won’t have to have this discussion again. This was as bad as “L’entretien Sexe” with My boys. So, please, with My Blessing, go forth and be freaky – as long as you buy plenty of Indulgences afterward.
Wish You Were Here,