25 Random Things About Gawd

velvet-gods

REPLY ALL

  As those of you who sell erection aids; used to be the Finance Minister of Zimbabwe and the UK Lottery know, My boys set Me up with an email address a while back.  I really only have time to check it when I’m waiting on a flight and the airport lounge isn’t open yet, but as luck would have it, those two things coincided this morning.  So I “logged on”, as I believe the kids say these days, to Gawdmail@gmail.com.  Snuggled between an email from Republican Jesus entitled “FWD: FWD: FWD: barack HUSSEIN!!!1! obama is the COMMIE Antichrist!!1!!!” and one from Hippie Jesus drivelling about loving His next-door neighbor was something from Ganesh.

  25 Things You Never Wanted to Know About Some Pachyderm I Had the Misfortune to go to School With.  It was all a bunch of crap about “I’m really not fat, just big-boned,” and “If I get one more Mr. Peanut doll on My birthday…”.  No offense, Tiny, but really.  I knew all of You from the Class of ∞ wouldn’t bother to read all the way through Tiny’s list but I’m sure You’ll read through mine.  So here it is.

1.  I had the boys’ foreskins bronzed and made into pinky rings.

2.  One of the reasons I never go home is because the music is so friggin’ awful.

3.  Part of My Ineffable Plan is that My Chosen People have to get shat on.

4.  I wish everyone would label themselves so I know who it’s safe to shake hands with.

5.  I don’t know what bok choi is.

6.  The smartest thing I ever did was to cash in all My US dollars for something with actual value.

7.  I often wish I had roomed with FSM at school, instead of Allah.

8.  I sometimes pick up babes on the intertubes.

9.  My favorite animals are bears.  Bears rock.

10.  I killed a man in Reno just to watch him die.

11.  Did I mention Allah creeps Me out?

12.  I had a crush on Pele when We were at deity school.

13.  I never read signs.  I figure if it’s important somebody will tell Me.

14.  Sometimes I miss doing things with the boys.

15.  I’m addicted to Secret Diary of a Call Girl.

16.  I drunk dial My ex-wife sometimes.

17.  I miss the Brooklyn Dodgers.

18.  If it’s another deity, it’s not technically bestiality.

19.  I used to call the Psychic Friends Network and tell them what happened to their first pet.

20.  Nessie and Bigfoot piss Me off with their whining.  So I screw up every picture anyone takes of them.

21.  I haven’t shaved since Solomon’s 427th wedding.

22.  Julia Sweeney only let go of Me because I didn’t pay her back for lunch that time.

23.  Buddha always blows My mind when He starts talking about string theory.

24.  I wear Pope Cologne when I cruise for the ladies.

25.  I’m an Aquarius.

Wish You Were Here,

~Gawd

Advertisements

One response to “25 Random Things About Gawd

  1. Pingback: You say “to-may-to,” I say “to-mat-to”… « (Roughly) Daily

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s