As those of you who sell erection aids; used to be the Finance Minister of Zimbabwe and the UK Lottery know, My boys set Me up with an email address a while back. I really only have time to check it when I’m waiting on a flight and the airport lounge isn’t open yet, but as luck would have it, those two things coincided this morning. So I “logged on”, as I believe the kids say these days, to Gawdmail@gmail.com. Snuggled between an email from Republican Jesus entitled “FWD: FWD: FWD: barack HUSSEIN!!!1! obama is the COMMIE Antichrist!!1!!!” and one from Hippie Jesus drivelling about loving His next-door neighbor was something from Ganesh.
25 Things You Never Wanted to Know About Some Pachyderm I Had the Misfortune to go to School With. It was all a bunch of crap about “I’m really not fat, just big-boned,” and “If I get one more Mr. Peanut doll on My birthday…”. No offense, Tiny, but really. I knew all of You from the Class of ∞ wouldn’t bother to read all the way through Tiny’s list but I’m sure You’ll read through mine. So here it is.
1. I had the boys’ foreskins bronzed and made into pinky rings.
2. One of the reasons I never go home is because the music is so friggin’ awful.
3. Part of My Ineffable Plan is that My Chosen People have to get shat on.
4. I wish everyone would label themselves so I know who it’s safe to shake hands with.
5. I don’t know what bok choi is.
6. The smartest thing I ever did was to cash in all My US dollars for something with actual value.
7. I often wish I had roomed with FSM at school, instead of Allah.
8. I sometimes pick up babes on the intertubes.
9. My favorite animals are bears. Bears rock.
10. I killed a man in Reno just to watch him die.
11. Did I mention Allah creeps Me out?
12. I had a crush on Pele when We were at deity school.
13. I never read signs. I figure if it’s important somebody will tell Me.
14. Sometimes I miss doing things with the boys.
15. I’m addicted to Secret Diary of a Call Girl.
16. I drunk dial My ex-wife sometimes.
17. I miss the Brooklyn Dodgers.
18. If it’s another deity, it’s not technically bestiality.
19. I used to call the Psychic Friends Network and tell them what happened to their first pet.
20. Nessie and Bigfoot piss Me off with their whining. So I screw up every picture anyone takes of them.
21. I haven’t shaved since Solomon’s 427th wedding.
22. Julia Sweeney only let go of Me because I didn’t pay her back for lunch that time.
23. Buddha always blows My mind when He starts talking about string theory.
24. I wear Pope Cologne when I cruise for the ladies.
25. I’m an Aquarius.
Wish You Were Here,