Dear Randall Price…

ark-blueprints

C/O World of the Bible Ministries, P. O. Box 827, San Marcos, TX  78667

Dear Randall,

  I understand that you’re grifting accepting donations for your search for old Noah’s houseboat.  As you well know, I am normally 100% behind donations from the brand-loyalists.  Without them, I wouldn’t be finalizing plans for My Grand Safari vacation in June.  In fact, without regular donations, I wouldn’t be writing this postcard with a Mont Blanc pen from the H10 Marina Barcelona Hotel Spa.

  However, it doesn’t seem to Me that you will be passing on those donations to further My vacation, but, rather, you will use the cash for your own frivolous trip.  So I’m going to do us both a favor and tell you exactly where you can find this manky old boat you’re looking for.  That way, you can pass the savings on to Me.

  First, a little background.  Yes, it’s true that I drowned everyone on Earth except Noah and his immediate family.  Dea Culpa.  Coincidentally, it had to do with My vacation fund.  As I’m sure I don’t have to tell you, I do not make mistakes.  That being said, the ratio of brand-loyalists to non brand-loyalists at the time was quite seriously out of wack.  As a result, My vacation fund was dangerously low.  To make things worse, I was still paying off student loans from deity school.  So I borrowed a great deal of cash from Uruk Samas-Tallassu, (“Uruk the Leg-Breaker”), in Eridu.

  Was this a wise decision?  Of course it was – I made it.  But I soon decided it would be even more wise to get out from under all that debt using the “Acts of Gawd” clause.  To wit: I Katrina’d their asses.  Actually, I just meant to do the financial district, but it got a little out of hand.  Or, it was all part of My ineffable plan; take your pick.

  In any case, I just had enough time to warn Noah, who was My only brand-loyalist at the time, I’m embarrassed to say.  “You know that houseboat of yours, Noah?  I hope you’ve got room for the T-Rex.”

  Now, here’s where I do you a favor.  Do you ever wonder where I got all the water to totally flood the entire Earth or where I put that water after?  I didn’t magic it from outer-space.  I mean, I’m omnipotent and all, but you destroy a planet with what you’ve got to hand, not what you wish you had.  Just ask Donald Rumsfeld about that.  Luckily for Me, all civilization was situated on rivers at the time so it was just a matter of a bit of strategic rainfall here and a monsoon there and voila!  As I said, it was meant to be very localized, but the sad fact is I never paid much attention in Weather Systems class at school.  Thus the overkill.

  Since I wanted to overawe the brand-loyalist and his family, not sicken them with bloated corpses floating in the streets, I had to razzle-dazzle them with special effects.  So, to skip over the technical details, the whole ark thing, including the bird with the olive branch, was done on a sound stage.  Noah never even had a clue.  The bizarrely funny thing about it, and you can chalk this up to My ineffable plan if you like, is that the very spot that sound stage sat on is the same spot the US government built the sound stage for the moon landings.  Boy, did Lyndon Johnson and I laugh about that one.

  So, to find the original, bona-fide ark, just go to Area 51 in Nevada.  If you stand at the south entrance of the mess hall and walk 47 paces toward UFO hangar #3, then dig down about 15 feet, you’ll hit the aft deck.  Good luck.

Wish You Were Here,

~Gawd

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4 responses to “Dear Randall Price…

  1. Gee, Mr. Price and Mr. Bright. I’m sorry I let the cat out of the bag to God about your junket to Ararat Casino. My bad.

  2. Oh, great. Now He’s liable to drown us all, trying to get a couple of embezzlers.

  3. So, to skip over the technical details, the whole ark thing, including the bird with the olive branch, was done on a sound stage. Noah never even had a clue.

    So, that’s where they got the plot idea for The Truman Show!

  4. It’s funny you should say that, Chappy. I believe Gawd used to tell Noah, “We accept the reality of the world with which we are presented.”

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