FOR HAND DELIVERY
You know who I’m talking to.
I was recently splitting a bottle of wine the boys gave Me with My Chosen Chaplain and she mentioned to Me that some of you were getting a little out of line. She feels that you need a bit of Gawdly discipline. I couldn’t agree more. Because of My busy vacation schedule, I can’t be watching you 24/7. For one thing, you’d bore Me to tears. For another, you’ve got to learn to take care of yourselves.
Luckily, some of you know how to apply discipline. Like the good folks at Christian Domestic Discipline. As they say, “[S]ome alternate lifestyles [are] evil. If you don’t like it, take it up with Him*… good luck changing His** mind.” They are full of helpful advice about discipline, which I don’t mind, (just this once), passing along for your edification. First of all, ladies, when your husband seems out of line or, to coin a catchy phrase, “not as disciplined as perhaps he should be” – TOUGH. Fem domination/male submission is right out. That’s evil. On the other hand, men, the first weapon in your disciplinary armoury should be what I like to call, “Over The Knee“, or OTK for short. This is a good position from which to use a “persuader”. A switch or paddle or dowel rod works nicely. But nothing too big as she won’t be able to fetch you a beer or a turkey pot pie with a broken tailbone. Get in touch with these fine role models and they can give you more tips on using a commanding tone, maintenance discipline, warming up her derriere, etc.
Don’t think I haven’t noticed the rampant indiscipline in you young brand-loyalists. I have. I also understand that you learn best from “cool”, “hip”, “with it” disciplinarians. And what could be more “cool”, or “kewl”, as I believe you say these days, than a white-face clown? That’s where Derek Dye comes in. Do you want to know why sex is just like juggling a bunch of machetes? Look no farther than the Abstinence Clown. He is, as you kids say, “keener than a barrel of monkeys”. Just look him in the eye and you’ll see a man who knows everything there is to know about abstinence. Let him explain to you the Brand-Loyalist’s Dream. He’s living it, kids. He’s living it.
I hope this has put you all back on the straight and narrow and I won’t have to take time off My vacation to remind you all of your duty. If you master the art of discipline as taught by these fine brand-loyalists, the most important discipline, tithing, will be as natural as beating your wife and not having sex.
Wish You Were Here,