Dear Union Public School Independent District # 9…

Thou Shalt Not Suffer A Witch to Wear Stripey Socks

Thou Shalt Not Suffer A Witch to Wear Stripey Socks

6636 South Mingo Rd., Tulsa, OK  74133

Dear Shapers of Young Minds,

  I am wroth.  Not “a little wroth” or “quite wroth” or even “very wroth”.  I am “there will be weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth wroth”.  I am, not to put too fine a point on it, cheesed off to the point of leaking fire & brimstone into My morning kippers.

  Like most of My peers, I like to thumb through People Magazine before breakfast.  It’s a good way to ease the old omniscient grey-matter into the day without any tedious thinking.  This morning I picked one off the bottom of the stack, expecting nothing more taxing than to find Matt LeBlanc in a list of the 50 most beautiful people in history.  Instead, I found that you have been suspending young girls from school for practicing witchcraft.

  Is this the sort of brand-loyalty you think I demand?  Some people might call this sort of thing crazy.  Some people might take you to court over it.  But I’m not some people.  I’m Gawd Almighty and I recall making Myself quite clear on the issue of suspending children from school for putting hexes on their teachers.  let’s see; I believe I’ve got the memo right here… ah, yes.  Let Me quote it for you:

Let no one be found among you who makes his son or daughter pass through the fire, who practices divination or sorcery, interprets omens, engages in witchcraft, or casts spells, or who is a medium or spiritist or who consults the dead.

  In short:

Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live.

  So My question to you is, why haven’t you made a bonfire out of this little girl?  There is nothing I hate more than a wishy-washy brand-loyalist.

  Well, actually that’s not true.  I hate a brand-loyalist who doesn’t tithe ’til it hurts much more than that.  Oh, and I hate those so-called “fortunes” you get at Chinese restaurants.  Those piss Me off pretty badly.  And bellboys who stand around with their hand out after they carry My bags to My room.  They make My teeth itch.  But wishy-washy brand-loyalists who don’t follow My orders like the Word of Gawd are assuredly in the top 15 or 20 things I hate.

  So tomorrow when I open My complimentary copy of USA Today I expect to see a headline in 2700-point USA Today type to the effect that you are throwing a bar-b-que for Gawd.  I want the smell of scorched pigtails on the wind.  Not because I have anything against this little girl; heck – I Am Love, after all.  I want to hear the crackling of sugar & spice because, a) frankly, I don’t deal well with competition, 2) when I tell you to do something, I expect you to do it, and c) I don’t have time to make up new rules for you; I’m on vacation.

Wish You Were Here,



3 responses to “Dear Union Public School Independent District # 9…

  1. Dear Gawd,

    I’ve been meaning to write to you about your brand-loyalists. An awful lot of them are getting very lax about obeying your laws. Some of them are wearing mixed fibers, others are eating shellfish and I can’t recall the last time an adulterer was stoned in public. It’s disgraceful, really.

    I’m glad to see you cracking the whip at them a bit. They need some good old-fashioned Old Testament-style discipline.

  2. Hmmm… it’s funny you should mention that, Chaplain. Check your mailbox.

  3. Pingback: Dear Undisciplined Brand-Loyalists… « “Gone Fishin’: Postcards From God”

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