Dear (New) Chosen People…

You Can't Take It With You, So...

Is This A Coffin I See Before Me?

Everywhere But Indonesia

Dear Atheists,

  Almost everyone dies.  I don’t, of course; and the other deities; and Dick Clark.  But almost everyone else does.  Sadly, you fall into the “Everyone Else” category.  This can be painful for those left behind, like Me.  For instance, I expected several more books out of Douglas Adams, and now it’s too late to make him a zombie.

  Even more painful, though, is when you die and don’t mention Me in the will.  This hurts My feelings and makes the baby Jesii cry.  I know that you don’t want Me to be sad after you’re gone, and you know that the only thing that gets Me through is a nice recuperative vacation in the Alps or on a little Mediterranean island.  So I want to bring to your attention a truly thoughtful member of My Chosen People, John Mortimer.

  Not only did John create the delightful Rumpole of the Bailey, but he was kind enough to have a church funeral after he kicked the bucket.  With church rental, vicar fees, organ rental, pew space advertising and the 16.5% kickback I get from all funeral homes, he ended up leaving Me a tidy sum.  As the vicar said, he was an “atheist for Christ”.

  That, dear Chosen Ones, is the sort of example you should all be paying attention to.  After all, you can’t take it with you and I’m going to be on vacation anyway, so your hard-earned might as well go toward My bar tab or to tip the bellboys.

  It’s a good way to show the world the special relationship you have with Me.  As an added bonus, I will be making a toast to John – and any of you who leave Me a little something to remember you by – with the finest scotch that his money can buy.

  I’ve got to run, as the bartender needs his pen back, but here’s to John.  And I raise a hopeful glass to any others of you who are feeling a bit peaky as you read this.  Salud!

Wish You Were Here,

~Gawd

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4 responses to “Dear (New) Chosen People…

  1. Dear Gawd,

    As You may already know have probably already forgotten, I was recently laid off. I lost my health and life insurance, so I wouldn’t have a lot to leave You at this point. I was thinking, though, that we might be able to help each other anyway.

    You probably don’t remember this either, but I worked as a bartender for quite a few years in my younger days. Perhaps You know could hook me up at one of those fine resorts You frequent? I won’t lie and promise to name You in my will or have a church funeral (although debating members of the clergy sounds like a fun hobby) but I could keep the scotch flowing (on the house).

    Let me know what You think.

    In the mean time, since I’m sort of on vacation too, feel like getting hammered?

    Hugs and Kisses,
    ~Lottie

  2. Lottie,

    As you may remember, Gawd has a rule about nepotism: He’s all for it. However, as you obviously did remember, He doesn’t believe in one-way nepotism. “What’s in it for Me,” is His battle cry.
    Free scotch will be acceptable with Him. Just provide a list of 5-star resorts you’d like to work in and He’ll put in a good word for you.

  3. Janis Joplin’s will left money for her friends to have a big bash after she’d gone. I prefer that one.

    Although have you seen Black Adder, the first season? The king’s unhappy that rich people keep leaving their money and property to the church. So he appoints his son Black Adder Archbishop of Canterbury to lobby dying rich folks against the practice. Black Adder, in full clerical gear, pitches an old rich man on his death bed that Heaven’s boring, all angels singing and harp playing and stuff, but Hell’s where’s the real action is, sex, booze, gambling…

  4. Batocchio,
    Blackadder and slapstick-commedia fans are always welcome ’round here. Also, those who express good ideas on how to get the cash directly to Gawd’s pocket and cut out as many middle-men as possible.

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