Dear Heaven Can Wait Insurance Company…

Act of Gawd

Act of Gawd

127 Ave. of the Weasels, Pottersville, Hell  71000

Dear Claims Adjuster Machiavelli,

  I am in receipt of your letter dated Tuesday last, re the Reborn in Christ Church in Sao Paulo, in which you state that you “regret [you] are not in a position to proceed with [My] claim” and “request” that I refer to My policy document.  You specifically draw My attention to section 2.1 which confirms in section 5, subclause iii, that the policy does not provide cover for “Acts of Gawd(s)“.

  I am writing in hopes that you will reconsider your decision, as this was not an Act of Me aimed at the church building, but at a couple of thieves who walked off with $56,000 of My vacation fund.  Unfortunately, I was mistaken as to their whereabouts.  I was not informed that they were in jail in Florida at the time.  Therefore, this was not so much an Act of Me, as an accidental discharge of wrath, as defined in clause 1.25; “Misadventure or Misappropriation of Excess Wrath“.

  Furthermore, and speaking of wrath, I must say that I found the last paragraph of your letter to be somewhat condescending.  I quote:

  “Whilst we have great empathy for Your unfortunate position we regret we are unable to be of assistance in respect of this incident.  While this is obviously disappointing news we trust You will understand the reasons for this decision.

  Well, I don’t.  Explain to Me, please, why I bother to take out insurance on My stores if you’re going to just deny the claims when they collapse.  If I can’t insure them, then the only fiscally responsible option is to shut them down; but if I shut them down, where are My brand-loyalists going to tithe?  It’s a nasty little Catch-22 that you’ve engineered.  I happen to know that your company also insures Wal-Mart.  What do you think they would do if you put them in this position?  They’d give you the legal smiting of your life, that’s what they’d do.

  And that, sir, is exactly what I propose to do if I do not receive satisfaction.

  I await your reply with great interest.

Wish You Were Here,

~Gawd

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2 responses to “Dear Heaven Can Wait Insurance Company…

  1. “this was not an Act of Me aimed at the church building, but at a couple of thieves who walked off with $56,000 of My vacation fund. Unfortunately, I was mistaken as to their whereabouts…. Therefore, this was not so much an Act of Me, as an accidental discharge of wrath…”

    I’m glad Gawd cleared up how that happens sometimes. Some folks (certainly not moi) have sometimes claimed that Gawd occasionally (often) has bad aim. Obviously, such misguided nincompoops are quite badly mistaken.

  2. Right.

    You hear those sirens off in the distance? That was not aimed at “some folks”. It was aimed at the random folks who got it.

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