Dear Federal Reserve…




Dear “Ken Kernanbe”,

  I’m using a pseudonym for you because I’m very concerned that the citizens of your country, [REDACTED], should know as little about our dealings as possible.  Your coded message came through loud and clear.  No blabbing.  I’ve taken it so to heart, as you can see, that I glued two postcards together, back to back, so no one could snoop on our communication.

  “Ken”, I’ll keep this short and to the point.  I don’t want anyone triangulating your position through this postcard.  I’m writing for two reasons.  First, and most importantly, to remind you to keep your trap shut about “lending” Me that $1.2 trillion.  That’s between you and your maker.  I  Don’t want this to sound like a threat, but if word leaks, I’ll make sure that those pictures of you in [REDACTED] with [REDACTED], [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] 180 degrees [REDACTED] [REDACTED] sewing machine [REDACTED] inside [REDACTED] [REDACTED] grey mule.  Do we understand one another?

  Secondly, I want to congratulate your apparatchik, “Konald Dohn”.  That boy is going places.  If he has anything to say about it, no one will ever know where, but he’s going places.

  I’d better get this in the mail.  I don’t like the way the room service guy is looking at Me.  Remember:  Ix-nay on the abbing-blay.

Wish You Were Here,



5 responses to “Dear Federal Reserve…

  1. Excellent grilling! At least he made the guy squirm. I bet you couldn’t drive a toothpick up “Dohn’s” ass with a sledgehammer after that.

    Sorry, Gawd, but being as broke as I am, I get a little testy when people start talking about billions and trillions of dollars like it’s pocket change that they shouldn’t have to account for.

  2. Lottie,
    I know that if Gawd were here He would tell you that the best thing to do when you feel a little testy, (assuming you can’t whip up a Smite-alicious Storm), is to get away to a five-star resort on the Cote d’Azure. Nothing helps Him unwind like a world cruise on the QE2 or a month on Nygard cay in the Bahamas.
    Try it and see if it doesn’t help.

  3. If I list Gawd as a reference, maybe I can get Kohn to finance it all. 😆

  4. I like Gawd’s suggestion of the Cote d’Azur. Unfortunately, I don’t have a great source of vacation funds like He does. People who give me money expect something in return, like labor, goods or services. Moreover, they expect those things to be tangible and measurable, so I can’t dupe them with promises of eternal afterlives, deep spiritual satisfaction and stuff like that. I guess Gawd just beat me to that market niche.

  5. Chaplain,
    Oh, yeah. He always forgets that Dire Straits wrote that song about Him. I must be spending too much time around Him, too, because I almost forgot that my last vacation was a round-trip ticket on the LIRR.

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