Dear Prefect Cardinal Willie,
I got Ratzi’s family newsletter he sends out every year on My boys’ birthday. I was glad to hear everyone seems to be doing fine there. That there was enough turkey & dressing to go around; that the kids are alright and that Arturo’s rash is clearing up.
The reason I’m writing, though, is to thank you, personally, for helping to keep My family’s dirty laundry from being aired. I know that My ex-wife has been making a public spectacle of Herself, (Like always – women, eh?), and you’ve been trying to keep the lid on. I know Ratzi ordered you to do it, but I also know who’s really in charge over there. ‘Nuff said.
I was going to give you a few helpful pointers on suppressing the eyewitnesses and such, but then I realized that would be like teaching My Gramma to suck eggs… if I had a Gramma. There’s pretty much nothing you don’t know about suppression. Hell, Spain’s just now getting back on their feet.
I would suggest, though, a little maskarovka. Word of My ex-wife’s exploits is liable to get out at some point. I mean, even you can’t be everywhere. Eventually, Mary is going to schtupp some bellboy in the lobby of a five-star hotel and someone will blab. You don’t want that. More importantly, I don’t want that. I’ve got a reputation to uphold.
So here’s My suggestion. First of all, the ridiculous idea that anyone who was ever married to Me, (and, to be honest, anyone with a sex drive like Mary’s), could possibly be mistaken for a virgin might just play into our hands. When you bring in the psychologists, theologians, priests and exorcists for damage control disingenuously suggest to the shell-shocked witnesses that it couldn’t possibly have been The Jesii’s mother they saw flashing that pre-school class or in that pile with two crack-whores, a pizza delivery guy, a registered quarter horse and a meter maid. They must have been mistaken. Perhaps it was some other virgin. I’m sure you can find a patsy somewhere.
Next, make it clear to them that the Vatican has a policy where these sightings are concerned.
…anyone who claims to have seen an apparition will only be believed as long as they remain silent and do not court publicity over their claims. If they refuse to obey, this will be taken as a sign that their claims are false.
Then maybe give them a glimpse of the old Tongue Tearer™. As I recall, that usually leads to a quickly shut mouth. I imagine you’ll be glad to take some of the old toys out of mothballs. It must have been pretty difficult for you to sit back and watch President Cheney and his minions stumbling around like a bunch of amateurs the last few years. Now you can get your hand back in. Not before time, too, eh? If you don’t use it, you lose it, I always say. That’s why I try to smite a few people a month, just so I don’t get rusty.
Oh, and one last bit of advice. If you or any of your people stumble across My ex while you’re out doing your duty, don’t approach Her! I can’t stress that enough. I know what suckers you priests are for “virgins”, but Mary will chew you up and spit you out. Take My word for that. However, if you’re within yelling distance, tell her the check is in the mail.
Wish You Were Here,