Dear Mordechai Eliyahu…

November 9-10, 1938

November 9-10, 1938

C/O Yad Vashem Holocaust Museum, Har Hzikaron, Jerusalem

Dear Morty,

  How right you are, My friend.  How right you are.  When I read that you declared that there is no moral prohibition whatsoever against indiscriminately killing civilians for something one of them, or just someone they might know, did I said to Myself, “This.  Guy.  Gets it.  He gets it.”  You have obviously been reading My Curriculum Vitae.  The Philistines, the Jebusites, the Sodomites?  Exactly My position.

  Yeah, I worked up a Number 6 on ’em.  My former Chosen People went a ridin’ into town a whoopin’ and a whompin’ everything that moved within an inch of its’ life.  ‘Cept the womenfolks, of course.  They raped the shit outta them at the Number 6 Dance later on.

  When you were perusing My CV, did you notice what I like to call “The Liberation of Elisha’s Head for Democracy”?  A small battle, but pivotal.  I think it’s relevant to your situation in Gaza right now.  There was a malicious and dangerous group of 42 children based in Jericho at the time and when the forces of Freedom passed through the area, in the person of Elisha, one of them perpetrated a heinous raid on him.  From out of this group of malcontents a rocket was fired.  Well, not a rocket, per se, but just as bad.  One of the little boys yelled out, “Go up, thou bald head!”

  As I know you understand, Elisha could not let that stand.  So, since finding out which little boy was actually responsible would have been difficult and time-consuming, he called in fire support from Me.  I quickly mobilized the 153rd and 2037th she-bear brigades, both of which advanced in a pincer movement for a surgical strike against the tiny terrorist.  Once the mist of blood had settled, the evil little brat was neutralized, with only 41 collateral casualties.  The civilian casualties were unfortunate, sure, but A) I couldn’t risk the lives of the brave she-bears out of fear of killing noncombatants and B) It got the job done.  After that, there weren’t any children left to make fun of Elisha.  I hung up a “Mission Accomplished” banner that day, I can tell you.

  Oh, good times.  Good times.  It almost makes Me want to come out there and take control, Myself.  Unfortunately, I have reservations for two weeks at a resort in Portugal and they’ll charge My credit card if I don’t show up on time.  Still, I can give you a little advice anyway.

  If you do enough damage, and win, no one is going to say you’re not a peaceful people.  Just ask the Jebusites.  Oh, right; you can’t.

Wish You Were Here,



5 responses to “Dear Mordechai Eliyahu…

  1. There is too much war in the world, peace between gaza and israel will be good for all.

  2. Sure, you know that and I know that, but try convincing the various deities’ brand-loyalists. or the various deities, for that matter.

  3. Gracias, Heather. I’ll let Gawd know that you’re a booster.

  4. Pingback: 25 Random Things About Gawd « “Gone Fishin’: Postcards From God”

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