C/O Christian Voice, PO Box 739A, Surbiton, UK, KT6 5YA
Stephen – or should I call you by your nickname? I understand you prefer “Birdshit“. It doesn’t seem like the sort of name a well-adjusted guy would go by. For some folks the attention is more important than what type of attention. It takes all kinds, I guess.
Anywho, Birdshit, I’m writing because you have come to My Divine Attention. However, before you start singing that catchy tune by Handel, you should know that this is not the good kind of Gawdly attention. I am taking a bit of a well-deserved holiday in your neck of the globe right now, rock-climbing, heavy drinking, mountain-biking and the like. It’s all been very nice – until I found one of your press releasesbunging up a mouse-hole in My hotel room. You fellows do say “bunging”, right? You English and your words.
Birdshit, taking a quick glance at My planner just now I see that, on average, I take 365 days of vacation, yearly. Except Leap Years, of course. My vacation time is very important to Me. Very important. You know how they say that I’m a Jealous Gawd? Well, now you know what it is that I’m so jealous of.
So when you start insisting on proof of My non-existence I see vacation fund problems on the horizon. Stephen, by bitching about those atheist bus ads you’re straying ever so close to lightning bolt territory here. Did you take even a moment to imagine how this thing might play out?
Let’s pause a moment while I use the old omniscience… No. You didn’t think this ill-advised complaint through at all. I can’t say that I’m surprised. But, because I’m a loving Gawd, (who will torture you for eternity in Hell if you endanger My holidays), I’ll spell it out for you.
First, while it’s true that most people don’t think where I’m concerned, (for which, by the way, you could be the poster boy), some do. And that’s alright. It’s not optimal, but it’s okay. From that pool of people who give some thought to Me and My ineffable ways, I draw My Chosen People. They don’t tithe, but they’re a lot of fun. The rest of you, the “followers”, if you will, mostly don’t think about Me except to contemplate our close, personal relationship and how I just love you to pieces. Which is odd, come to think of it, since I generally only meet those of you who work in the hotel and airline industries. However, you do tithe toward My vacation fund. So, in a way, you could say that we do have a sort of relationship and I do love you… in the sense that you pay for something that I do love.
Now, imagine the result of you urging people to think about Me. Urging people to come up with reasons and proof why I don’t exist. Do you see where this is going, Birdshit?
Hey! Is that why people call you that? Is it because you have avian fecal matter where your brain ought to be? Or maybe it’s because you’re like a bird and My vacation plans are like a newly-washed car.
In any case, you are threatening the delicate balance of the universe, buddy. As things stand there are enough atheists to make the world a livable place. You know, inventing airplanes and medicines and TV and math and such. The rest of you are there to support Me in the lifestyle to which I’ve become accustomed. That’s it. Hell, I had to send an angel to show you how to make whiskey.
You got it now? Now do you see the glory of My Gawd-Damned Ineffable Plan™? You and all the other brand-loyalists are My Divine Cash Cow. If your little advertising complaint screws up the balance by creating more atheist Chosen People I promise that you will be hand-washing the Holy Undies for all of eternity and a day.
Wish You Were here,