Orphanage of Illegitimate Deities, Ameneh, Iran
Happy belated birthday! I would apologize for not sending You a card earlier but, as You know, I am infallible. The truth is, I was having such a nice time in the Caribbean with Your half-brothers that I just couldn’t be bothered. Still, here it is now, so buck up.
You’ll be pleased to hear that I ran into Your mother a few years ago in a club in Munich. She’s fronting for a Joan Jett cover band now. I was slightly embarrassed, but it would be safe to say that she still don’t give a damn ’bout her bad reputation. She didn’t remember Me at first, but We got to talking and had a few drinks and, well… I woke up in Her cold water flat in Neuperlach the next morning. I was going to send you a snapshot of Her, but I don’t seem to have one. I had a bas relief in stone a while back, but misplaced it somewhere along the line.
But enough about that. How have You been? Still hanging out with those apostles of Yours? Benny and Dirk and… I don’t remember all their names, but I’m sure you scamps are getting into trouble and sowing a few wild oats. As much as the orphanage will let You, of course. If You’re anything like Your brothers I’m sure You’re clearing out temples and slapping demons around and such. All the things a healthy young deity does on His… er… His birthday.
Umm, I just remembered that You’re older than Your brothers. This is awkward. I was going to send a Water-to-Wine Chemistry Set. I know the boys liked Theirs… when They were… younger.
So… have you got a special girl these days? You could do worse than one like Your dear old Mum, even though You haven’t seen Her since You were a little bitty thing. I mean, not to marry, of course. But. I mean…
Phrew. Look, I just wanted to say “Happy Birthday” and, er…
Oh! My phone is ringing! I’ve got to take this, so I’ll say goodbye for now. Maybe We can get together the next time I’m in Persia, or something. Feel free to write when You get a chance.
Wish You Were Here,