Dear Mary…


C/O Global Fantasies, Fortaleza, brazil


  The boys insisted I send you a card on their birthday, (I know You won’t remember to send one to Them), so I got Your vacation address from Your publicist.  As this is a special time of year for the boys, I won’t point out what a piss-poor mother and even worse ex-wife you are.  I won’t mention that even the Grinch mailed the boys an Electro-Who-Cardial Flooks and a handful of slightly grubby candy canes, (which I know better than to ask where He got them).  For Their sake, and against My better judgement, I’m providing a return address because the boys were worried that You didn’t know where to reach Them.

  We’re at that villa in Antigua.  You remember the one.  So now You know where We are and You can thoroughly disappoint Them… again.

  Speaking of You and disappointment, (as I often do), and – come to think of it; You & Leather Boys, You & freaky-deaky sex and You & barnyard animals, We ran across something in Amsterdam the other day that made Me think of You.  A drag queen nativity scene.  I thought it was great.  It really captured the essence of You.  Some brand-loyalists were there, complaining about it, but then they always do.  One of them said “By portraying Joseph and Mary as homosexuals, a twisted human fantasy is being added to the history of the Bible.”

  I had to chuckle.  I wanted to set the guy straight, but I just didn’t know where to begin.  I mean, first of all, Joseph, as You well know, was as queer as a three-drachma bill.  You were the best beard he ever had.  And You, of course, have always been more omnisexual than homosexual.  I’ve never known you to pass up sex with anyone but Me.  As for “twisted human fantasy”… well, if that guy could be a fly on the wall in any hotel room You’ve ever been in, he’d learn a little something about twisted fantasies.  Then to top it all off by referencing the Bible as history, for My sake?  There’s a reason that drek was an unauthorized biography.

  Anyway, I’ve got to go.  The boys and I are on Our way to a floating bar.  I’ll pour a drink over the side for You.

Wish You Were Here,



2 responses to “Dear Mary…

  1. I never realize that the Holy Mother was such a floozy. She may have been slow to give up her virginity, but she certainly appears to have made up for lost time.

  2. Phrew! You don’t know the half of it. Gawd seems to have pulled His punches somewhat here. I accidentally heard Him on the phone with Her one day… they’ve both got issues. And baggage. And baggage issues.

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