Dear Rod Blagojevich…


IL Executive Mansion, 410 East Jackson St., Springfield, IL 62701

Dear Rod,

  I got your postcard asking Me to fix it so you can get a big payday out of selling that senate seat.  Normally, I don’t bother to answer these things, no matter what people ask for.  Yours intrigued Me, though.  You sent it after you got busted for trying to sell the seat.

“He took time to pray with ministers at his home and signed a bill that extends insurance coverage for autistic kids,”

  Really, Rod.  That takes chutzpah.  If there’s one thing I admire, it’s someone who can be a complete dick and just look people right in the eye like it’s their problem.  Kudos to you, My friend.  You would have made an excellent prophet.  You could have taught Jonah a thing or two, eh?

  It almost makes Me regret not giving you what you want.  So I’m going to do something a little special for you.  Instead of giving you the Level One Postcard Reply – no answer; or even the Level Two Postcard Reply – “Piss off.  I’m on vacation.”, I’m sending you this.  But wait, there’s more.  Because you’re My kind of balls-out son of a bitch, I’m going to put you in touch with a few like-minded vacationers that you’re sure to get along with.

  These are some other guys who have recently decided to take a little time off, just like you’re about to.  Oh, I hope I didn’t spoil anything for you.  I just flipped on My omniscience for a split second and it looks like you’re going to have a bit of vacation time soon.  Good for you.  You deserve it.  So, once you’re settled in you should look up Ted Stevens and Larry Langford.  I’ll even throw in William Jefferson’s address.  Where were you guys 3,000 years ago, huh?  You’d have made great judges and prophets and, what the Hell, maybe even kings.

  Good times.  Good times.  You fellas really make Me miss the old days.  I don’t see enough of that good old Bronze Age moral code anymore.  I really look forward to seeing what you can cook up together.  If only you could swing a vacation to Zimbabwe and get together with Robert Mugabe.  The fun you scamps could get up to.  I’d like to party with you, cowboys.

Wish You Were Here,



6 responses to “Dear Rod Blagojevich…

  1. I’ve been waiting to hear from Gawd on this whole Blagojevich thing. He and I are getting along so much better now that I’m one of the Chosen.

    I’ve been following this scandal with my jaw in my lap. I’m not surprised by what Blagojevich did, but with his, uh, boldness, shall we way?

    Good grief! Balls, I tell ya! Balls!

    I think we might be witnessing a full-blown case of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. No kidding.

  2. There’s nothing wrong with Narcissism… at least that’s what the handsome SOB in the mirror tells me.

  3. Well, of course. But this Blagojevich guy is way out of line. I mean, his level of cockiness ought to be reserved for those of us who are actually worthy. 8)

  4. I can see that. That makes sense to me.

  5. Dear Gawd,

    We may need you to send us some new politicians soon. It looks like too many of the current ones will not be able to fulfill their obligations for quite some time. Please hurry, as there’s nothing more depressing than looking at rows of empty government desks with “Gone to Jail” signs on them.

  6. Chaplain,
    Gawd was going to send you “Level Two Postcard Reply”, but I talked Him out of it. But that probably gives you a good idea of His opinion on helping us out.

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