Dear Chosen Bloggers…

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Secret Chosen Lair, [REDACTED], [REDACTED]

Dear Mouthy Chosen Ones,

  In this festive season, when you have nothing to live for, I thought it would be a good time for Me to give a little.  Not in a crass, material way, of course.  Oh, Me, no; but in the nebulous way you’ve come to expect from The Lord your Gawd.  The sort of gift that you can discuss over a warm plate of puppy fritters or baby fu yung, but that won’t buy you a cup of kitten tears to wash it down.

  Don’t think, just because you can’t touch it, that this gift isn’t momentous.  What I am giving to you now is nothing less than acknowledgement.  I, the Alpha & Omega, Lord of Hosts, the Most Widely Bought Brand in History am acknowledging that you exist.  Not just in the sense that I know there are millions of you out there, somewhere, either.  I am going to specifically acknowledge a number of you.

  Not all of you, of course.  A few of you are already well-known.  Perhaps too well-known, but that’s a smiting for another day.  That’s just how Gawd rolls.  I help the underdogs and smite the threatening brainiacs those who are too big for their metaphysical britches.  So, without further fanfare, and in no particular order:

  Alright.  I didn’t realize there were quite so many of you, frankly.  There is, after all, such a thing as too much of a good thing.  So to even things out just a little; Alan Colmes – I don’t believe you exist.

Wish You Were Here,

~Gawd

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22 responses to “Dear Chosen Bloggers…

  1. Dear Gawd,

    Thanks for the plug and for acknowledging that I exist. It may have taken 42 years, but better late than never, I always say.

    Glad To Know You Know I’m Here,
    ~Lottie

  2. Lottie,
    It turns out that not only is He a jealous Gawd and a fickle Gawd, He’s a forgetful Gawd. By the time I had passed along your message, He couldn’t remember you.
    Maybe when you’re 84…

  3. Will you still need me? Will you still feed me, when I’m 84? 😆

    Sorry, I couldn’t resist.

    Oh well. I’ll try not to take it personally. I mean, considering how often He’s forgotten His original chosen people…

    Besides, I can always “forget” the Premium Chivas Regal I was planning to bring to the Christmas party. Think He’ll remember me then?

  4. Ho, ho! I think you may have tumbled Gawd’s game.
    I believe what you’re thinking of as “forgotten… Chosen People”, He saw more as “Constructive Criticism”.
    And, finally, that song was going through my head, too. I almost wrote “64”.

  5. Dear Gawd,

    Thanks for giving your blessing to my existence. It made my day to be blessed by the Almighiest of all the Almighties.

  6. Dear Gawd,

    Please send beer, good beer, not the cheap American crap. Jameson also works.

  7. Oh, and nice blag address

  8. Jared,
    I’m afraid that if you’re waiting for Gawd to send good booze, (or, in fact, any booze), you may be waiting a very long time. His motto is “It’s better to receive than to give.”
    Oh, and I’ve never blagged anything… that you can prove.

  9. Blag? Could be a sound effect:

    I knelt to worship the porcelain god after a night of tequila shots with beer chasers. My head was pounding. I had the shakes. Everyone could hear me through the bathroom wall:

    Blag… blaaag… blaaaaaag

    Sorry. It’s the first thing that came to mind and I’m feeling mischievous. 8)

  10. Hmmm… I probably don’t need to explain this, but I was taking the piss out of Jared, not your blog, Postman.

    Just wanted to clarify for anyone who happens to see my gross comment. 😳

  11. Oh, sure. of course. You read the Holey Word of Gawd and you think about puking. Sure. No problem.

  12. Thank you, Lord Gawd, for deigning to acknowledge the existence of your humble servant, a minister of the Baptist persuasion.

  13. Postman,
    Now I know somebody has been at the sauce. 😉

  14. Rev,
    While Gawd does not actually read your blog, (or, in fact, anything but hotel & airline ratings), know that He is heartily pleased with you so long as you tithe.

    Lottie,
    It is a base canard that Postpersons are the sort of drunken sots that would make an old school newspaperman blush.

  15. Thanks for including my humble ramblings in your short list! This Being human blog at http://beinghuman.blogs.fi has now a sister enterprise, that is the Atheist News at http://atheistnews.blogs.fi that I have high hopes for, as a career journalist in a newspaper for over 20 years telling the news should come rather naturally to me.

  16. De nada, Jaako. Glad to be of service.

  17. Woo hoo! I exist! Wait a minute. Does this mean I need to acknowledge God’s existence now? In any case, thanks for the blessings.

    By the way, Poseidon over here says to give you a wave. Oh, and he hasn’t let you off the hook yet about that whole whale thing, whatever that means.

  18. Liquid,
    When I passed on your message from Poseidon, His left eye started to twitch and He flared His nose. So I’d say don’t return the acknowledging favor just now. Best not to remind Him you’re around.

  19. I’m… actually really real?! Oh, rapture! Oh, joy! Oh, bliss! I’m real… and not smited! And such amazing company I’m listed in, too!

  20. Chris,
    Well, as real as Gawd, at any rate. You’ve left writings for your followers, none of whom have met you. Come to think of it, you and the rest of the listed bloggers may be some new form of deity. Praying to any and all of you seems to be just as efficacious as praying to Gawd.

  21. Actually, it’s worth noting that I’m a writer of fiction as well. Since I create the beings I write about and make them do my will, one can say I am their god, yeah?

  22. Certainly. Especially if you’ve ever begun a story with the sentence, “Let there be Carl.”

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