C/O Diocese of Brooklyn:  75 Greene Ave., PO Box C, Brooklyn, NY

Dear Fellas,

  I happened to be in New York for the tree-lighting ceremony last Wednesday.  It was nice.  I enjoyed it.  Afterwards I got a $7 cup of coffee, took a spin around the ice rink and went back to My hotel room.  I crawled into bed with a thick biography of Robert Hooke, (to prop My feet on), and switched on the old boob tube.  But there were no boobs on My tube, just some midget in a red suit.

  This, in case you were wondering, upset Me.  It raised My wroth level fairly high.  Not to put too fine a point on it, it pissed Me off.

  It wasn’t that you were impersonating My old assistant, Beelzebub, (badly, I might add).  It wasn’t even that there were no immediate boobs to look at; no, the hotel had pay per view.  What made Me so full of wrath is that you are trying to take money out of My pocket.

  Either you didn’t think this thing out, (in which case you’re none too bright), or you did and knew that petitioning to destroy smutty TV and replacing it with the Prayer Channel would cause people to be so disgusted with Catholicism and religion in general that they would quit paying into My vacation fund.  In which case, you’re none too bright.

  Either way, stupidity is no defense.  Ask Judge Judy.  I suspect you got all caught up in thinking you were “cool” and “viral” and didn’t take My cash flow into consideration.  That’s a frickin’ no-no.

  I’m going to go out on a limb and assume you’re savvy enough to hear a little secret.  The big reason atheists are My Chosen People is that they don’t bother Me.  They never, ever go on TV and urge people to choke My mailbox with inane postcards about their daily minutiae.  They tend to get on with their lives and discover cool stuff about curved space-time, mastodon DNA and the cure for polio, without, (and this is the best bit), dragging Me into it.  The only two reasons I don’t just quash all of you brand-loyalists are 1) because the more brand-loyalists a deity has, the more cachet He/She has in the Deity Club; and b) the great, huge wodges of tax-free cash.

  And another thing.  This whole “Do what Satan says not to do,” thing is really pretty weak.  Yes, yes, I know that brand-loyalists have got the strange idea that they understand what the cool kids respond to, but that’s something of a delusion.  Besides which, I plan to advise Beelzebub to sue.  The guy has enough problems without people thinking He’s a fashion-challenged dwarf who likes to show His package on TV.

Wish You Were Here,



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