Dear Pat Boone…

Have you not seen the awful similarity?

Have you not seen the awful similarity?

Next Door to Ozzy Ozb  In a Van, Down by the River

Dear Patrick,

  I was just thumbing through My copy of WorldNetDaily and saw your name.  What a pleasant surprise!  I thought you were dead.  I said to My boys how much I liked that bear in your act, but they tell Me that was Andy Williams, so I’m not sure why I remembered your name, now.

  In any case, I see that you’re illustrating the obvious correlation between bloody, terrorist murders of innocent people, for that hack Allah, in Bombay and proposed boycotts & demonstrations in California.  Hear, hear, sir!  Hear, hear.

  I have always felt that a psychologically damaged delusionist with poor anger-management skills, no impulse control and an AK-47 is the veritable twin of a person who would be so divorced from beneficence and the milk of human kindness as to picket My bank a church.  Can you imagine the revenue I stand to lose if brand-loyalists are too embarrassed to cross the picket lines and tithe?

  You, sir, are also right about the manner in which things should be done.  As you note, the negroes cast off their chains and they, along with those cute suffragettes, gained the right to vote without all of this messy and uncivilized demonstrating.  Why, as far as I recall, not a hair was harmed, nor a feather ruffled in their… well, I was going to say “struggle”, but of course there was none.  Conversely, as you so charmingly say, these “sexual jihadists” use methods which are exactly like the jihadist savagery in Bombay.

  Imagine the irresposible, blind selfishness of their actions.  Why, it could be the difference between five scotches in the Blue Bar at the Berkeley Hotel and four scotches in the Blue Bar at the Berkeley Hotel!

  I just want you to know that every night before I pass out go to bed, I shall get down on My knees and thank Me for you.

Wish You Were Here,

~Gawd

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4 responses to “Dear Pat Boone…

  1. I, for one, am very glad that Pat Boone set the record straight. I might have missed seeing the similarities between the Prop 8 protests and the Mumbai terrorism. Nonbelievers like me are sometimes blind to these sorts of correlations until right-thinking believers set us straight. Wherever would we be without them?

  2. Thank you, Chaplain. Whoever said we can’t be swayed by a well-crafted theological argument?

  3. Pat Who? Is he still alive? I asked Gawd to do something about that back in ’59, and thought it had all been taken care of.

    Slacker!

  4. Gawd tells me that your postcard, dated March 3rd, 1959 – one day after the release of “Pat Boone Sings” – fell under the sofa and wasn’t recovered until sometime in 1987. Unfortunately, He was on vacation and couldn’t be bothered, in any case.

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