I am appalled. Not only do I My Brand Loyalists have to worry about My their flights being hijacked or blown from the sky, thus cutting down on My their vacation time; not only do I they have to worry about My their stock shares plummeting and ruining the joy that is My their nightly Filet Mignon with Sauce Bernaise; not only do I they have to worry about General Motors going bust and voiding the warranty on My their Hummer – I simple, Gawd-Fearing folk now have to worry about safety in My their own home!
According to The Telegraph, common household chores, like hanging drapes in the nude over a tuber-covered table, are liable to send you to the emergency room. What’s next? Must My Brand Loyalists quit cleaning out the fridge in their wetsuits? Don’t these fine people pay taxes? Aren’t you meant to protect them from this sort of thing?
You people were appointed by Still President Bush, weren’t you? Well, you’ve got until January 20th to get something done. Think. What Would Republican Jesus Do? It just so happens that He’s on My speed dial, so I can tell you exactly what He, and thus your boss, President Cheney Still President Bush, would do… if he were still doing things.
First, you get Congress to give Me, and others who make “Fuck You” money, a tax break. As I don’t pay taxes and, in fact, live in Canada now, that means handing Me a chunk of that bail-out money everyone else is getting chunks of.
Second, you arrange a farm subsidy for potato growers who don’t grow potatoes.
Then you get some hack conscientious congressman like Don Manzullo or someone to introduce deregulation of the drapery, wetsuit and gerbil industries. Tell everyone it’s vital for the survival of Free Market Capitalism… er, which is strong and robust and can take care of itself. Just talk loud and wear a flag in your lapel. Call any detractors “unAmerican”.
But you’ve got to work fast, you’ve only got until January 20th.
Wish You Were Here,