Dear US Department of Homeland Accidents…

Danger In The Home

Danger In The Home

451 7th St. SW, Washington, DC 20410

Dear HA,

  I am appalled.  Not only do I My Brand Loyalists have to worry about My their flights being hijacked or blown from the sky, thus cutting down on My their vacation time; not only do I they have to worry about My their stock shares plummeting and ruining the joy that is My their nightly Filet Mignon with Sauce Bernaise; not only do I they have to worry about General Motors going bust and voiding the warranty on My their Hummer – I simple, Gawd-Fearing folk now have to worry about safety in My their own home!

  According to The Telegraph, common household chores, like hanging drapes in the nude over a tuber-covered table, are liable to send you to the emergency room.  What’s next?  Must My Brand Loyalists quit cleaning out the fridge in their wetsuits?  Don’t these fine people pay taxes?  Aren’t you meant to protect them from this sort of thing?

  You people were appointed by Still President Bush, weren’t you?  Well, you’ve got until January 20th to get something done.  Think.  What Would Republican Jesus Do?  It just so happens that He’s on My speed dial, so I can tell you exactly what He, and thus your boss, President Cheney Still President Bush, would do… if he were still doing things.

  First, you get Congress to give Me, and others who make “Fuck You” money, a tax break.  As I don’t pay taxes and, in fact, live in Canada now, that means handing Me a chunk of that bail-out money everyone else is getting chunks of.

  Second, you arrange a farm subsidy for potato growers who don’t grow potatoes.

  Then you get some hack conscientious congressman like Don Manzullo or someone to introduce deregulation of the drapery, wetsuit and gerbil industries.  Tell everyone it’s vital for the survival of Free Market Capitalism… er, which is strong and robust and can take care of itself.  Just talk loud and wear a flag in your lapel.  Call any detractors “unAmerican”.

  But you’ve got to work fast, you’ve only got until January 20th.

Wish You Were Here,



7 responses to “Dear US Department of Homeland Accidents…

  1. He explained to me, quite sincerely, he had been hanging curtains naked in the kitchen when he fell backwards on to the kitchen table and on to a potato.

    Sounds believable. Could have happened to anyone. 😐

  2. Exactly, I believe, Gawd’s point. Someone should do something about the home/vegetable/anus problem. It could be any of us next!

  3. Hey, Gawd, You’ve got no-one but Yourself to blame for that thing You’re holding in Your hand. Aren’t You responsible for All Creation?

  4. Well, technically. Technically. In the same way that Bill Gates is responsible when your copy of Windows crashes… only less-so.

  5. Someone should do something about the home/vegetable/anus problem. It could be any of us next!

    I know and it’s horrifying! Especially to those of us in Texas where everything — vegetables included — are even bigger, if you get my meaning. Why, just the other day, I was innocently vacuuming my air ducts in the nude and vegetables were virtually leaping at me.

    It’s a real problem.

  6. That’s so true. It just so happens that I was hanging Jesii Birthday lights yesterday in the raw when I noticed the bodega across the street getting a vegetable shipment. Imagine my shock and dismay.

  7. I’m deeply concerned for you, Postman. I think we should both consider relocating to safer neighborhoods.

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