Dear Allah…

When you wish upon 72 virgins...

When you wish upon 72 virgins...

Seventh Heaven, Sitting on Your Arsh

Dear Al,

  I thought We agreed no magic.  I specifically recall having that conversation with You.  We said no healing, no telling the future, no 7-league boots, no Taragon’s Elemental Transformer, no Soulbind and definitely no Magic Mosques!  Yet here You are, barely into the game, and You’re cheating!

  Did You think I wouldn’t notice?  You plopped a $60 million mosque down in the poorest poor country in the history of poor, where people have sex nine months before Ramadan just so they’ll have something to eat on Eid, and You thought I’d overlook it?!  You really boil My Blessed Bunions!  I mean, come on.  Yemen?  Dubai, maybe.  Maybe in Dubai I might have missed it, but Yemen… Poseidon on a pogo stick!  How obtuse do You think I am?

  Okay.  You want to play dirty?  You’ve got to pay the piper.  First off, You skip a turn.  I’m taking two turns and on My first turn I’m resurrecting Jerry Falwell.  For My second turn, I’m airdropping him into Mecca with a bag full of Chick tracts and a t-shirt that says “Muhammad was a Feminist, Homosexual Abortionist”.  How do You like that?  And… AND I get a free wave of snackfood Jesii sightings.

  Speaking of food, You don’t get to magic up any food for the Yemenis.  If they get hungry, let them eat the Gingerbread Mosque.  That’s what happens when You cheat.  Your pawns starve to death.  Which reminds Me, no magical protection for the president of Yemen.  I wasn’t going to say anything, but now I see You think I’m stupid, so I call “Bullshit” on that “election” in 1999.  91.2%?  Really?

  Damn it, I hate playing with You.  Not only are You a cheating, fucking hack – but You suck at it.  I have spotted You… Every.  Single.  Time.  You haven’t changed one bit since school!  You were a cheating hack then and You’re a cheating hack now.  I wish You had been eliminated early, instead of Zeus or Odin.  Hell, I’d rather play with Fucti, God of That Stream That Dried Up One Summer In 4,012 BC than You.

  So I’m through taking Your crap.  The next time I catch You cheating – and I will – I’m telling all Your pawns about the raisins.

Wish You Were Here,



3 responses to “Dear Allah…

  1. Dear Gawd,

    I think your scribe needs a hearing check; he or she obviously misunderstood you when you said that the cost of the mosque was $60 million.

  2. Chaplain,
    You’re absolutely right about the price tag. Thanks for pointing out my trascription error.
    As we both know, Gawd doesn’t make mistakes, so it falls squarely on my shoulders. I shall wear a hairshirt for a week or so, in pennance.

  3. Sheesh! What was I thinking? You can’t even repair a mangled astronaut for $6 million these days.

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